Who Would You Call to the Garden? Building Support Systems for Life's Gethsemane

Jessi Holley explores the biblical story of Jesus in Gethsemane to discuss the importance of support systems, capacity, and authentic relationships during life's hardest moments. This episode offers practical insights on how to identify who truly supports you and how to build resilient, supportive relationships.

www.everybodycantgo2.com

Keys:
The biblical story of Jesus in Gethsemane and its relevance to support systems
Understanding capacity and limitations in relationships
The importance of support during adversity
How to identify who truly supports you
The role of forgiveness and realistic expectations in relationships
Building support systems before crises happen
The difference between love and capacity to support
The significance of consistent presence and support in tough times
How to evaluate and build your inner circle
The importance of spiritual strength and wise counsel
 

Takeaways:
Not everyone in your circle has the capacity to support you during your hardest times.
Support systems should be built before emergencies arise.
Support from loved ones can be imperfect, and that's okay.
Pay attention to who checks on you without being asked.
Support during adversity reveals who is truly present.
Expectations should align with people's capacity, not their love.
Even good people can let you down, and forgiveness is key.
Invest in relationships consistently to build a strong support circle.
Support systems are built through mutual effort and reciprocity.
Recognize that not everyone is meant to go deep into your Gethsemane.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

And we laugh. Oh no, that thing is happening with the camera. We'll just let it though for tonight. But we laugh. Happy Wednesday and welcome to another Everybody Can't Go Convo. I am your host, Jesse Holly. And tonight, hmm, I don't know how I want to preface this because I don't want you to think that this is about to be Bible study. But a conversation about the Bible made me think of tonight's topic. So you know that we love Jesus around here. Me and Jesus are friends. I love him. So I want to know who's going to the garden with you. That's what I'm uh thinking about tonight. So if you saw last week's episode um for our big 100, we had Guy Holly, no relation, but shout out to my adopted cousin. And we also had fan favorite Melissa Thomas, um, known as my male T. That's my male T. I share her with you all. And in a part of our conversation, I actually I don't even remember which one of them said it, but what stuck with me was who's going to the garden with you? And we talked about the the part of Jesus' story where he went to the garden of Gethsemane. And so even if you weren't Christian, even if you aren't religious, just rock with me so that you can get where I'm going. And why I was like, yeah, nah, I want to dig into that with the people for tonight. So basically, um, when Jesus knew that it was almost time for him to get to the crucifixion, right? He goes to the Garden of Gethsemane, and you know, it was 12 disciples, but he told three of them. And I was like, Why them three though? But he told three of them, hey, come with me. And I want you to pray with me. And this is when he was like, he was he was going through it. Your man's was going through it. He was in need at the time. And so he asked um their disciples, but I'm gonna say his own boys, Peter, James, and John, like, hey yo, come back here with me. I want you to pray, and I want you to stay close to me because I'm having a really, really hard time right now. And essentially, throughout the course of this thing, I looked at that scripture a certain kind of way my whole life, right? Because the three of them, they fell asleep while they were praying. And Jesus came back to them three times while they were supposed to be praying. And he like, bruh, you sleep again? Wait, why are you asleep? Why are you asleep? You know what? Y'all good. Go ahead, go to sleep. And Mel was the one that pointed out to me as she was uh teaching at the uh author activation weekend. She pointed out something that I never thought about. And when I researched on it, um, it is recorded in the Gospel of Luke. It talks about that they actually fell asleep, not because they was lazy, but because they prayed so hard that they were exhausted, like they were mere mortals. So, like in their human fashion, they prayed so hard that they prayed to the point of exhaustion. And I was like, okay, that makes me look at it different. Because I was just thinking, like, oh yeah, y'all, y'all supposed to be over here rocking for Jesus and y'all back here asleep, y'all back here chilling. Like, what's going on? And to me, that relates to real life because when we are faced with some of our hardest seasons, when we are faced with some of our hardest, some of our hardest times in life, you can look around you, and even though you may have like your 12, you'll have like your inner circle, and you'll be like, hey, inner circle, I need you to rock with me, and I need you to rock with me through this thing. But what happens when your inner circle is dealing with their their own life, dealing with their own trauma, dealing with their own drama, that they they life be life and for them too. And just because you are going through something at current doesn't necessarily mean that everyone in your circle or everyone in your inner circle has capacity to be able to be there for you and support you in the way that you feel like they should, or in the way that you would want them to. And sometimes that's that's just the reality of it. Sometimes, like your people, they will have the desire to be there for you, but they can't. So I got four points for you guys today as we dig into this thing, because I've been I've literally been thinking about it all week. Like, okay, if I had to go to the garden, who would I invite with me to the garden? Who would I say, come with me to the garden? That I gotta trust you with this really, really big thing. Like, I need you. And so the first thing I kind of started in on it already, talking about that capacity, that not everybody in your circle will have capacity to um carry your burden right then. And I mean, even when you dwindle down from your 12 to your three, like you may be looking at a fourth, you know, a quarter of who's available. And even then, you may find that like proximity doesn't equal capacity. Like they the people around you, even your inner circle, they may have to tell you, like, hey, I'm having a hard time right now, too. So I can be here for you to this level, or I can be here for you in this way. And you know, being, hmm, how do I want to say it? Being transparent enough and also feeling safe enough with you to express how much they are able to be there for you during that time and in that season. And honestly, I would say when you're looking at the, you know, I said it jokingly, but we are just mere mortals. Like, but for real, when you think about it, that is one of the most loving things that somebody can do for you, even though at the time it's like, bruh. Like, I said I needed a little bit help, and you telling me what you can't do right now. Like, I'm not talking about what you can't do. I'm trying to talk about what you can do. But how would you feel if that person, if you were like, yeah, I'm trying to, I'm trying to do the thing and I need your help. And it's like, yeah, okay, I got you, I got you, I got you. But then they don't. But then, you know, that I got you, I got you, I got you, it falls through. What then? So even though it may be a bit of a thing on the front end, it would save you more heartache in the long run for those around you to just let you know, like, hey, I I only had this much capacity right now. I'm not on my 120 type of time, I'm not on my 100 type of time. Like, I'm fighting for my life. And that is okay. That is okay. And so don't measure other people's love by what they are incapable of giving you because they're incapable. If they can't right then, then they just can't. Can't and won't are two different things. So that's not to not hold people accountable for what they are capable of doing and choosing not to, but the things that they actually don't have, the capacity they actually don't have, don't measure people in your corner, in your circle by what they they truly don't have. If you know that friend don't got a job, come on out. No, they can't let you borrow $3,000. No, they can't. They don't got $100 for they bill tomorrow. Why would you try to measure them by that, knowing their situation? That is unfair. So make sure that you're not in that space when you're talking about in the the emotional capacity, or let's do you one better. Don't ask me to pick up something that's real, real heavy. Cause I ain't, because I can't. I'm not doing it. Like, how how heavy are we talking? If you say, hey, just pick up this 200-pound box. I'm sorry, I got news for you. I'm not gonna be able to just and and pick that mug up for. Like, I literally can't. Now, I want you to to think about what is something that you you literally like are incapable of doing, and put yourself in those shoes so that you can make sure that when people don't have capacity for what it is that you're bringing to them or capacity for your burden, whatever that may be, make sure that you make sure that you are doing like that what you're expecting of them is something that is possible for them to give. So, are you expecting people to give you support in an area where they were never equipped to give you support? Whether that be emotional support, financial support, physical support, accountability support, because how's somebody gonna keep you accountable and you know they ain't accountable? If you the one that keeps them accountable and you know they not, that that is not their strong suit. You know, if you don't call them and say, hey, you gotta do the dot dot dot, you know they ain't gonna do it. You gotta find somebody else to be your accountability partner because you can't like if you falling off and then that derails the whole train, you can't expect that from someone else. You can't expect that. Okay, my next point your hardest seasons will reveal who is truly present. In the um Bible story, you notice that who was at uh Luke, Peter, and I'm sorry, I'm saying the wrong names. Peter, James, and John. Data ones, that was the three. Peter, James, and John. Write that down because y'all know I be jacking some names up. Should it was 12 of them is too many. But your hardest seasons will reveal who is truly present. Now, even though when they got there, they fell asleep. They was about that life at first. They like, yeah, you know, I got you. I they made their best attempt. So I want you to pay attention during your hardest seasons, especially when there are people showing up for you in the midst of going through their own go-through. Pay attention to who is truly present for you. It makes a difference. And honestly, like it's you can be going through it while other people that are close to you are going through it. That doesn't mean that that that's an excuse for not showing up or whatever, but there could be like actual, I would say um acceptable reasons why people aren't able to show up for you. And those people who they truly do have a reason where you know that they're already stretched to the limit, that they're already pushed as close to their own capacity as possible, and they're still showing up for you in whatever ways that they are able to and whenever they can. Dare I say, them some Gasemity homies right there. Like for real, for real. When you're going through adversity, just looking at your circle in its totality, when you are going through adversity, it will reveal what relationships are, I'm gonna go ahead and say it, valuable. And it will also have you to take a look at who supports you with just their consistent presence. Like who supports you, not always having to come in and be loud, da-da-da-da-da. And I know y'all like Jess. You want to talk and as I am, even with my flight attendant self. Sometimes showing up and having consistent presence in somebody's life, in a friend's life, in a loved one's life, it doesn't always look like flight attendant Jesse showing up. Sometimes it'd be looking like pilot Jesse showing up, but sometimes it looks like my little 10. It looked like my little T and the G Z showing up, and sometimes just sitting there. Sometimes making myself to be available, to be alone together. Sometimes it looks like being a journaling buddy, being a coloring buddy, being a, you know what? Just come on my couch. Let me go ahead and make you something to eat. I know you don't really feel like talking right now, but you need to be cared on. Get to your whatever is your favorite spot on my couch. I'll even let you use my favorite pink blanket. Let me wrap you up. I'm gonna make you some tea or get you a glass of wine. Yes, amen. Or whatever it is that you need, let me show up for you in those consistent and quiet ways. Who in your life does that for you? Who remains consistent? Who still shows up even when showing up isn't loud, even when showing up isn't pretty? Because it's easy for people to show up when it's party time, when the money flowing, drinks flowing, when it's time for the vacay, when it's it's all of these life events that it's the time for a celebration to flick, flick, flick it up for the gram, for the TikTok, for YouTube. All of those good times, it's easy for people to show up then. But in the midst of your adversity, look at who shows up and look at uh look out for who who checks on you without being asked. Shout out to those of y'all that stay on my line. Shout out to those of you in the DMs that send like nice messages and that are just like just here's some here's some positive words. Shout out to all of you guys. You literally never know when somebody is going to need you to check on them without being prompted, without them asking you, without them mentioning, like, oh, hey, I was just calling, just to chat, and that's how you find out. When somebody comes across your mind, go ahead and just just send them that text. Don't even worry about it if you don't worry about I might be getting on their nerves. Y'all know I gotta raise my hand when I'm like, I'm telling y'all, but I'm also talking to myself. Even if it's the middle of the night, set set the text to send in the morning if it's not appropriate to just text the person in the middle of the night. Pay attention to who checks on you without being asked, without being prompted. Pay attention to who just wants to see how you're doing. And that's all they're asking of you. They just call in to say, hey. They just call in to see if you need to talk. What do you need? And notice who creates space for your healing season at the time when, especially if you're a person who you give, give, give, give, give, give, give to everybody else. Pay attention and notice who creates space for when it's time for you to lean when you need to lean real hard. I was dare say, compare those people against who only wants the performance version of you, who only wants you when you only show up in your flight attendant, ready to make everybody else happy, ready to create the experience, ready to make sure that everybody's taken care of, who prefers you that way, and that's the only time that they show up when you're in that space. I'm not saying that that means that when you notice that everybody can go. What I'm saying is make sure that you're rearrange their space in your life accordingly. Those people who aren't showing up for you, who aren't creating space for you, who don't check on you without being prompted or asked. You may need to reevaluate how much of your time, how much of your resources are they able to take up when things are neutral or things are on the up and up for you? That might be a nice place to go ahead and check and see. Are you being a giver where someone else, their role in your dynamic, is being a taker? It's not a two-way street, it's not mutually beneficial. Make sure that you pay attention to that. Ask yourself the question: who stayed when you had nothing else to offer? Who stayed and who supported you? Who chose you possibly at a time where you needed it most? All right. My point number three that I wanted to make sure I got to. Even good people can let you down. So you remember in the story that I said that um Peter, James, and John, they was like the rider dies, right? And well, not or dies. They wouldn't they was the riders, because they ain't die for nothing. But the riders. They was super, super down. And they were doing a thing. They were doing what Jesus asked. They were they was like, oh, we about to pray incessantly. But they prayed to the point of exhaustion where they literally didn't have no nothing else left to give. And so they fell asleep. And he came back at them a little tap-tap at Yo, y'all supposed to be holding me down. Right, right, right. We got you, we got you.

unknown 17:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 17:57

We'll get back to praying. He came back around a second time. Bruh, what is y'all doing? My bad, my bad. We tired, we tired. Come back the third time. They done fell asleep again. But remember, and I said the male pointed this out to me, that um and Google it, it's in Luke. Don't ask me exactly where. Use Google, use your tools. But those three showed up for him to the point of exhaustion. That's to me, that's a different level of rider. Because when you really think about it, who do you show up for when you are literally exhausted? And they like, hey, I really need you right now. And you go beyond your capacity, you push past pouring from an empty cup. You are beyond what you have to give, and you keep pushing for them anyway. Think about who you go that hard for. But also, I need you to think about who goes that hard for you when you ask somebody to come with you to the garden during adversity, during your time of need, during like them, them real, real deep spots that you in. Who comes with you to the garden? And I'm not talking about just comes with you to the garden just because they want to see. I'm talking about who's coming with you, this one of those three, that they are going, they are willing to put themselves past the point of exhaustion into exhaustion to make sure that you know that they still care and that they still support you. Even when there's not really anything they can do other than be there and show that support. Just because they're able to come near and show that support, that doesn't mean when we move past the point of what it uh what did you call it? We move past operating in our human strength. And it's to the point where you need to be moving in in spiritual strength and God's strength. People are still going to disappoint you, even when you love them to life. People are still going to disappoint you. And sometimes that disappointment, it's not intentional and it's not an intentional betrayal. It's like I said, remember, they they prayed until they were exhausted. They fell asleep, not because they was BSing, but because they they literally was that tired. That wasn't an intentional act of betrayal right there. And it wasn't a betrayal, I mean, just period. But that doesn't mean that there wasn't disappointment there. Because sometimes when we're in need, we're hoping that the people in our inner circle can show up for us in a certain capacity. And sometimes it's just not possible. They'll show up as much as they can, but sometimes we will still end up or we can end up being disappointed. And we have to accept as a part of our growth, I'm gonna raise my hand because I'm working on it too, guys. I'm coming to the garden with you. Because as we're going through our growth journey, we do have to learn to accept that somebody who loves you wholeheartedly from the bottom of their heart, they can still disappoint you. That's where forgiveness comes in. That's where taking a wise look at things. And if you can't be wise and taking a look at the situation, that's where seeking wise counsel and making sure that you keep company and are taking advice from wise counsel. Because people that you love and they love you, they will disappoint you. We are all human. We all be having we all be taking our ills, and we all have our areas where it's like. Dang, that was a pound epic fail. And sometimes it's just a hashtag fail. Sometimes it's not it's not pound epic fail. It's not like bad, bad. But pay attention to whether or not the intent was malicious. There's a difference between malicious intent, a purpose, a person disappointing you because they're careless, a person disappointing you because they're ill-equipped, or someone disappointing you because they simply don't have capacity in that area. Just like you get to choose, sometimes other people they have choices to make as well. And their choices can let you down. So maturity looks like knowing the difference, or at least bare minimum, acknowledging the difference between abandonment and limitations. When you are expecting for someone to be there for you, or you're expecting for your inner circle to lift you up in a certain type of way. Make sure that you're extending grace without lowering your healthy standards. But make sure that when you are extending that grace, I want you to actually think about it. Because sometimes we can be clouded by our own judgment, we can be clouded by our own emotions, especially when you're already going through it. Sometimes you aren't in the best frame of mind to say, like, ah, I wish such and such had my back. They betrayed me, did they? Or were they not prepared, not equipped, or did they have limitations in being able to support you in the way that you needed at that time? Sometimes you may need to take a step back. You may need to take a, you know, a hiatus from the dynamic as you get yourself together. And they may need a hiatus too, so that they can get themselves together. And so that they're able to, while both of you are going through your go-through, sometimes you aren't able to support one another in the way that in the ways that you would or could if either or both of you were on neutral ground, or if you were, you know, in a good space where you like, my guy, homegirl, you need me right now. I got you. And also respect that if they're able to show up for you partially and communicate that, even though you're in need, you do still have the responsibility to show up for them as well, honoring the capacity that they communicated to you that they have. And also make sure that you respect the boundaries that they set for you in being able to be of assistance to you at that time. So I have, so for example, I call one of my homies and I'm like, hey, I really need to talk right now. And the loss that I wanted to have conversation about, it affected her as well. And she let me know, you know, this is a difficult time for me to. So yeah, you're gonna have to think a little bit extra. You're gonna have to do a little bit more because much was given to you. There's more required of you, and making sure that that dynamic and that conversation goes as healthy as you can steer it. And sometimes read in between the lines and look at what ways that the other person may or may not be able to show up for you sometimes, even when you're in need, to get the help that you need, it still may require some listening. So, can you love people for who they are without expecting them to be who only God can be for you or whomever is your higher power that you believe in? You can't expect people to show up the same way that God will. You can't expect for people to show up on a like that's just a level people are not, people are not capable of. So examine for yourself the things that you are bringing to them. Is this something that you should be bringing to God? Or is this something that a person can help with? And or if you have truly wise counsel, shout out to you. If you have truly wise counsel, pay attention and listen to your counsel when they let you know, hey, this is what I think, but you should take this to God. You need to pray on that. You should go meditate on that. When you have those people in your inner circle that do come to the garden with you, and they're like, hey, friend, I would suggest that you do this, but also pray on it, meditate on it, write this thing down. Talk to your licensed clinician, all of those things. While you're remembering, even good, even good people can let you down. Even your your Peter, James, and John, they can let you down. Do pay attention to what they do bring and how far they're willing to push for you, and how far they're willing to go for you. And make sure that your disappointment doesn't end up being because you're expecting for them to show up in a space where God is supposed to be showing up for you. All right. Now, my last point on tonight, and I tell y'all this all the time, but we're gonna run it back again because the other thing that I noticed was even though Jesus had his three, and he was like, Hey, I need y'all inner inner circle, I need y'all to come with me. Y'all, I need y'all to come deep into the garden with me because I'm I'm having a time time. Build your corner before you need one. He already had the 12, and from that 12, he had his handpicked three that he was like, Hey, I need y'all willing to go to war with me right now. I need y'all to like prayer warrior it up for me tonight. There were years invested into the relationships that he asked to come with him to the garden. And there were years of investment into the relationship with the people that he asked to come deep into the garden with him. You cannot expect for somebody to come deep into the garden with you that you just met yesterday, or that you just met a month ago. Make sure that the people that you are expecting to ride for you like that, them three that you want to come with you deep into the garden, are they even the right people? Have you been building your corner, building your circle, pruning your relationships, even when it gets hard to make sure that you even have a decent selection of 12? Because even out of that 12, one of them, even though we had to do what he had to do for prophecy to be fulfilled and dot dot dot. That one, mmm. And so we'll just go ahead and cut it down and say, Do you did you do what you needed to do in the previous year so that you could have your 11 to even pick three from to come deep into the garden with you if and when you need it? How are you showing up for other people? How are you pouring into your relationships to even be able to ask or expect for three people to come with you into the garden real deep when you need it? Your support systems are built before you actually need to use them. You don't just pull emergency tab and somebody's gonna pop out of nowhere. And also think about that on the on the opposite side. You don't need to be somebody's pool emergency pool tab that you just like, oh yeah, I'm just just just just met you. I'm gonna go into the garden with you. Wait a minute. You don't even know why they need to go deep in the garden to be asking and praying about some stuff. You don't even know if you want to be in the trenches with them. Do they constantly just put themselves in the trenches? Do they need more accountability? Do they need to take heed to wise counsel? Do they cause their own problems? If you can't answer any of those questions, no, you don't need to go in the garden with them when it's time for them to go through their go-through. Sometimes you might need to lead them right there so they can go through their go-through, so they can learn some lessons and gain some wisdom. Because obviously they're gonna listen. But the people who you expect or would request to come with you to the garden, those support systems and those relationships are invested in before emergency arises. Those relationships are usually a part of a community where reciprocity it goes round and round. That y'all have already been mutually beneficial to one another. That you need something from them, they need something from you, that you guys have gone on a walk together, that you guys have already been on the journey together. Most times, people who will show up for you when it is time for you to go to the garden are people who you've shown up for consistently. I didn't say that it had to all be grand big giant gestures all the time. You showing up loud, you showing up being demanding, you always just with the do-do-do. Hey, look at this, look at this. I'm I'm talking about consistency, big and small. That you answered when they needed you, that when they were in a pinch and they were able to, hey, let me tap, let me tap just real quick. Say less, I got you. People that you were able to be reciprocal by using your gifts. People that y'all are tight enough to know that, hey, this person's good in this area, this person's good in this area. I know exactly who to reach out to because this is gonna take me two days to finish. You'll be able to do this in an hour. Can you help me out real quick? I know it's last minute, but I'll make time for you. Those people who you've shown up for consistently, those are the people who will fight hardest for you. And those are the people that when they show up and they want to fight real, real hard for you, and they like, you know what, I got you. But they fall asleep because they're exhausted. And they communicate that to you. That I'm still showing up for you and I'm still trying to show up for you. But this thing I just can't do, or this is how much I can do. Those are the people who you've shown up for consistently, month after month, year after year. Those are the people that are willing to come with you to the garden, but they don't just pop up out of nowhere. So in closing, I want you to think about if your Gethsemane moment happened today in your own life and you had to pick up the phone or you had to tap somebody, who would you call that you know that they would answer and you know they would arrive for you when you ask them to come with you to the garden? So not everybody can go. And not everybody can go deep into the garden with you. Remember that. And I'm pointing at the sign for those of you on audio. Everybody can go with you. So let me see. Make sure that you go to www.everybody can go, the number two.com, so you can get your copy of Everybody Can Go, the book that became the brand, and now we'll movement. And make sure that you share this episode with somebody. Low-key. Share the episode with the person that you would call to come to the garden with you. Now hopefully you have three of those people. Send this episode to them just so that you can let them know that, like, hey, this is the type of way I ride for you, and it's the type of way that I think you would ride for me. And if there's anybody that is um, you know, in a season of you like, oh yeah, you you at your Gethsemane moment, send send it to them too. Make sure that you subscribe, comment below, and like the video, like the live. And next week, we're gonna dig into it a little bit more. We're gonna talk a little bit more about you know the dynamics of what's going on when both of y'all going through it. When you like bestie, and bestie, like, girl, I'm going through it too. I got you. But but so next week, tune in so that we can dig a little bit deeper into what it looks like when both of y'all need help. And uh both of y'all, that's spelled B-O-F-F-U-H-A-H, Y'all. Okay, both of y'all. So thank you guys for joining on tonight, and I will see you guys next week for another Everybody Can't Go Convo. Make sure that you click the links below so that you're able to get your copy of Everybody Can't Go. Thanks for joining. Good night.