RESTART: Starting Again When Life Didn't Go According to Plan

Jessi Holley explores the challenges of restarting after setbacks, disappointments, and life transitions. She offers practical strategies for overcoming emotional barriers, building momentum through small wins, and creating a personalized reset plan to move forward healthily.

key topics

• Challenges of restarting after setbacks
• The importance of small wins in building momentum
• Creating a personalized reset strategy
• Overcoming fear of judgment and perfectionism
• The role of support systems and accountability

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Transcript

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And we live. Happy Wednesday and welcome to another Everybody Can't Go Convo. I'm your host, Jesse Holly. And today we're going to continue to move right along. While we've been talking about reset, today I want to talk about restarting and honing in on that a little bit more when we're considering what does a reset look like during this season. During this month, everybody always talks about reset this, reset that, what about your goals? Yes, all of that is great. So let's niche down, let's hone in on this episode. I wanted to talk about starting again when life doesn't go or didn't go according to our. I stop and I roll my eyes because I wanted to bring this as an episode because I know I'm not going to even say no more than most, but I know about starting something again when life doesn't go according to plan. And I'm sure many of you can relate as well. And so I want to point out to you guys, one, you're not alone. And two, it is a natural part of going through a reset, whether you're resetting in this season or if you are tuning back into this episode at the time that you need it within your life. So today, let me see. I have one, two, three, four, five bullet points that I wanted to dig into you with you guys today. Y'all know I love my list, so I don't end up all over the place in jet squirrel. Like y'all know, while we are talking about this, I will say so many asides. So I got five points for you guys today. And I wanted to focus these points are focusing on regaining your momentum after experiencing setbacks, disappointments, grief, failure, or life changes or transitions, the things that are out of our control. So some of those other categories, like when we're talking about the setbacks, the disappointment or failure, sometimes in those areas, we do not only have a choice, but we can have an effect on some of those things. When we're looking at grief, life changes or life transitions, sometimes those things are completely out of our control. So we will be looking at restarting from a few different angles with the points that I have for you guys today. So, first off, I wanted to talk about why starting again feels so hard. And depending on which of those areas you caused you to like pause or stop in the first place, like sometimes that that restart and getting back to your goals and resetting that can feel so hard because when you're looking at some of the setbacks, it'll just leave you feeling discouraged altogether. You like, look, if it's meant for me, it'll just find me. Like sometimes we go after something so hard that we'll just start taking setbacks and disappointments or failures, and we'll be like, you know what? What God has for me is for me. And I'm just gonna sit here until He gives it to me. The disappointments, the setbacks, the failures, all of those things are lessons on your journey to getting the thing that was meant for you. Whether you have to make some changes to how you're gonna get it, or some slight adjustments to what you're gonna get, there is a lesson in all of those things and all of the setbacks, all of the disappointments, all of the failures. If you fail to see the lesson in those areas, sometimes that's part of what keeps you stuck. And so that'll cause it, cause you to feel like it's hard to start again because sometimes you stand stuck in the quicksand of your own stubbornness. Sometimes you, yeah, I'm, you know, are we bringing that feeling on ourselves because we're being stubborn? We just we are intent on beating that unalived horse, or is there a different way or a different angle to look at the setback or the failure or the disappointment where we're able to gain some knowledge so that when we go after that goal or go after it again or start again, we're starting from lessons and wisdom, not starting from square one. Other things that can make you feel like, oh, well, I don't want to start again, especially if it was public. So we're talking these relationships that was on the internet. Yeah, I said it with an S. The book release that you were like, oh yeah, my book drop date, it's gonna be on this date. And then the publisher did not deliver those books to your home on time so that you could fulfill the pre-orders. When we're talking about the uh event that you were gonna throw and you knew that you were gonna sell a thousand tickets, but you only sold 500. Sometimes it's hard to start again because we feel embarrassment. Sometimes it's hard to start again when you're worried about comparing yourself to Boo-Boo Winno. Sometimes it's hard to start again for a fear of judgment. What are they gonna say? We still don't know who they is, but they always run in their mouth. They always got something to say, and they always they, they, they, they, they. That fear of judgment usually comes from they. And sometimes that fear of judgment, it's a day that we know exactly who they is. And then lastly, starting again feels hard when you fighting yourself and you are striving for perfection, which is impossible. Only God is perfect, even when you're trying to be right up under that, you are still striving for perfection. Now, while perfection is good to keep in mind, while you're looking at setting a standard, because perfection is not attainable, perfection can't be the goal. So I want you to really think through those four at least. And if you have some other ones, drop them in the comments below. Why are some of the reasons why starting again feels hard for you? I told you guys some of the ones that could be hard for me. Is it embarrassment? Is it comparison? Is it fear of judgment? Is it perfectionism? Is it you being stubborn? Is it that you pissed that stuff didn't go the way you wanted it to go the first time? Is is it hard to start again because of anger? Is it hard to start again because you tired? Not because you're tired, because you tired. Let's talk about the other direction of this. Is it hard to start again because it's not time for you to start again yet? Because you need rest. Because you are burnt out. Is it because you've been stretched too far and you're either about to break or have broken in the emotional lane, in the mental lane, in the physical lane, in your financial lane, or in your spiritual lane. Just starting again feel hard because one of those five areas, you've already gone too far. And you thought that because the rubber band was elastic, that it was gonna just snap back. You didn't think it was actually gonna pop and break. Just a thought. Because as we are talking about resetting, I'm going to continue to remind those of you who are listening that it's not time for you to take an action-moving reset, that your reset is rest, and rest and rejuvenation is your action. I didn't forget from last week, and I'm gonna keep reminding you. Because embarking on a reset journey can still be, it can be detrimental when you're doing it at the wrong time. And I want you to be sure that when you embark on a reset, it is one that is healthy, one that is needed, and one that you have capacity for. Not this stuff that we forcing it. And not we forcing it in a way that is unhealthy, unsustainable, or in a way that is going to be damaging to you in the long run. That's not what we want. So consider does it feel hard to start again because you are close to or you flirting with that burnout phase? And so you just straight up you need to stop. And if any of those previous feelings that I talked about, that embarrassment, that comparison, that fear of judgment, that perfectionism, if you worried about those things versus you burning out, would it be real embarrassing somebody catch you out here looking crazy because you've literally let yourself be around crazy? Because you refuse to stop and rest when you needed to. Next, I wanted to talk about stop waiting for motivation. I think that was back in May. We talked about getting remotivated and starting without motivation. If you're waiting for motivation so that you can reset and restart, sometimes you're just gonna be sitting there waiting for something that ain't coming. A couple years ago, I think I had an episode uh where I talked about it with Mel T, I believe, where we talked about it being hard to restart and resume work after you've gone on a long vacation. Sometimes it takes a little extra oomph so that you could get back into the swing of things. Sometimes that's just how we're wired. It's a little bit harder to get back into the rigid routine, get back into those habits, or it could be because, you know, those habits were broken a little bit for uh a week or two during that awesome vacay. But don't wait for motivation so that you can restart. Your motivation sometimes comes back to you after you start back moving, after you revisit the thing, after you get back into the swing of things, then you start, you like, yeah, okay, I remember this feeling. I remember this does feel good. I remember the results I get from this. Sometimes it's a matter of just doing the thing and exercising discipline and consistency before you're looking at the motivation and the inspo. Sometimes the inspo is not going to spark your motivation either. You simply have to just do it. And this is why I talk about making sure that you have a plan in place already and you have systems in place so that the systems and the plan can work for you when motivation isn't working. You know exactly what you need to do by when and what time. It takes a lot of the guesswork and a lot of thinking out of doing these things so that during those times or those days where you don't have motivation, you know what to do. And remember, I said, I'll let you go ahead and do it begrudgingly. Go ahead and complain while you're doing it. That's okay. As long as it gets done. So do know that your action is what creates your momentum. Motivation solely is not what creates momentum. Motivation can cause you to take action, thereby creating that momentum. But motivation doesn't just create momentum out of osmosis. Action has to be in there. And for you to take action, you don't have to be motivated to take action. You just have to take action. Don't forget to count your small wins because we're building confidence through those small wins. Eventually, that motivation will come back. Don't wait for the big win for you to be like, you know what, yeah, I did it. No, the small wins count too. Especially when we're looking at rebuilding, resetting, and now restarting. As you, as we continue to niche down into this thing, those small wins are going to help build your confidence, your motivation. As that momentum continues to grow, counting those small wins is going to be important. It's going to begin to put you in a better mood when you don't feel like it. It's going to get you some results when you don't feel like it. When you like, ma'am, I'm just not. And again, that isn't to be confused with those of you who are on the other side of the fence where you're already flirting with burnout. That's a different kind of I don't feel like it. Make sure that you're taking inventory of how you're feeling across the five different areas in your life. Make sure that you're honest with yourself. And just in case I didn't say on this episode, make sure that you consult with your licensed clinician if and when you need to. Find one ahead of time so that when you're in times of crisis, you already know who you'll be seeing, not in crisis and trying to find a clinician to speak with. And one that's in alignment with you because that does make a world of difference. Because just talking to NEL Randall just because they're a licensed clinician, mm-mm-mm-mm, that's not what I'm recommending. Just because they got a license don't mean they don't suck. Yeah, I said it. And by they suck, I mean they may not be the clinician for you. They may not be in alignment with you and your needs, especially as a person who is a part of a minority. Or you a double or triple minority. It gets harder and harder to find a clinician who is in alignment with you and one where you guys will have a deeper understanding. So if you've tried before and it hasn't really worked out too well, I will say try again and find the person who is in alignment and right for you. And that leads me into my next point, which is building a restart strategy. So when you're looking at the goal that you would like to restart, or the habit or the routine that you would like to restart, is it something that you can begin working on it this week? Can you start working on it again right now? Do you have the capacity and resources to handle the restart? Do you have enough emotional uh space, mental energy, physical energy? Do you have enough money? In your spiritual space, I guess I'll say, do you have I can't even say do you have enough time? For spirituality, it's kind of like uh you could just start right this second. I'll say that. No easy way out on a spirituality boy. But in those other four areas, uh, I want you to think about the uh financial obligation for you to resume or restart the physical, mental, and emotional resources that you currently have available right now, not what you will want to have. If you find that you do have capacity and resources, what is one action that you can take today so that you can restart working on that goal, restart that habit, or restart that routine? If you're saying, I need to start back meal prepping, do you have what you need at the crib? No. Are you able to go to the grocery store this evening? Do you have the the finances and make the time so that you can go get what you need this evening? If you do decide to just jump up and go this evening, do you know what it is that you're going to prepare? Do you have your grocery list already made? Make sure that you're working backwards on those things. Reverse engineer what will it actually take for you to begin working on it this week? What can you actually do today? What do you need prerequisite to you starting to do whatever action it is for today? Don't get discouraged if the action that you would like to take today, if there are a few other things that you need to do so that you can prepare, that's why we're counting the small wins. If you do need to start back meal prepping and you like, dang, I don't know off the top of my head what I need to make my three favorite recipes, gather that information first. Get the grocery list together. That's a small win. Even if you have to put off going to the grocery store tomorrow, today the small wins are choosing the meals and getting the grocery list so that you can take further action tomorrow and actually acquire the things from the grocery list. And really, while you at it, go ahead and add it into your budgeting. I'm going back to meal prepping. What does that look like for the budget if you can't make it there today? You're choosing the meals, you're getting the grocery list, you're making the budget line for you to take action tomorrow of actually going to get the groceries or pick up the groceries or put in your order and to have them delivered to you. If you're in a position to do all of those things today, you don't have the time, but you have the extra money so that you can have your gro um the meal pre-prep grocery list delivered to you. Go ahead and take the time out to set that up. Make sure you hit save. So that next time you need to add those items to the grocery list, you can just go ahead and, you know, repurchase that list. That is part of your strategy so that you can restart. That's part of your strategy so that you can make sure that whatever grocery list you build out, you save that information and you save time the next time you're you're doing the same task, the next time you need to take the same set of actions. Do you need support when you're restarting? As a part of your strategy, do you need to reconnect with a community that you were a part of, an accountability community? Do you need to find a resume or find a coach so that you have someone holding you accountable and you have some additional guidance while you're restarting? Is that kind of where you fell off the wagon in the first place with getting the goal done? Either you didn't have the accountability or you were trying, but you had a failure over here, failure over here. Ah, this would be a bit easier if I had a coach who was pointing me in the right direction so that they could just say, go to door number two, and you don't have to try doors one through four by trial and error of doing it by yourself, of doing it alone. What support do you need? Is it financial? Is it community-based support? Is it mentorship support? Coaching support? License clinician support? Do you need support from your management team at work? What is it that you are restarting and what support do you need for that? Do you need extra help around the house? Do you need to ask your housemate or counterpart, hey, I need you to step up on some of these things. Take some of the stuff off my plate. Do you need to pass them the invoice so that you can hire a maid? What support do you need? And then next, I talked about this a little bit already when uh I talked about the motivation aspect, the power of your micro wins. I want you to, when you're counting your small wins, I want you to count stuff as quote unquote. Small. And when I say small, I don't mean to minimize any of your accomplishments. I mean small as in they are one small building block to the larger goal that feeds into your vision. So these are small or micro wins. If you're writing a book, pat yourself on the back for writing one page. If you're writing a book, pat yourself on the back for recording, for uh doing a voice dictation for 20 minutes. Pat yourself on the back for uh taking out some notes and filling up a page with notes on things that you would like to put into the book. All of that stuff is gonna go somewhere. Eventually you do that, even if you write your book, every book is really written one page at a time, honestly. Every book is. So even if you only, quote unquote, write one page every day, by the end of the year, you're gonna have 365 pages in that book. Now, do you need that many pages for a book? Not necessarily. But you can see how over time, just writing one page at a time, it will get you to a full and complete finished product. Just save $20 a day or $20 a week. Just save $20 a week. By the end of the year, I ain't even about to try to do that math off the top of my head so y'all can make fun of me. What is that, $1,040? That'll still be more that you'll have in that quiet savings account and what you would have had if you weren't saving nothing. It might not be $10,000, but it's not zero either. Who's to say that by writing one page, by saving $20 a week, that that doesn't, because you're celebrating those micro wins, those small wins, because you're actually celebrating them, who's to say that the next time you're like, you know what, I want to go out tonight, but uh, it's raining. I could just, I could just stay in the crib. Let me transfer that $50 into that savings account. Because you've been making sure to save your 20 every week anyway. Why not put a little extra? Because you've been celebrating that to yourself that you put away that 20 every week. What will the celebration for you look like if you put away that 70? Make sure to pat yourself on the back. Make sure to build in yourself a little treat. It doesn't have to be a sweet treat. But what's something you enjoy? You get a pat on the back and you congratulate yourself for writing one page. What if you do 10 pages a day for a whole week? Maybe enjoy a movie or two back to back with a bag of popcorn. Because you wrote f what is that, 70 pages that week. And you know what? No, we'll just say 60 pages that week. So that we can make sure to observe the Sabbath. Counter micro wind of taking one walk. I know that a problem I had, I was like, I gotta close all of my rings every single day. The part that I didn't say was, I have my calorie on a thousand every single day for closing my rings. Do you need to start slower? I didn't know until I didn't count my small wins. And the days that I didn't close all of my rings, I'm like, ugh, super hard on myself. Until one of my coaches pointed out, once we start sharing our watch information, it's like, wait, you've been closing your ring every day at a thousand? Yes. I'm closing my ring at 350. Another person shines in, I'm closing my ring at 500. It's okay to bring make, is the goal a smart goal? Is it attainable? With what you have available right now, your capacity and resources, is it attainable? Take one walk. If the measurement for your microwin is take one walk, don't try to measure it by I have to close a thousand on my ring. That's for those of you who use the the Apple Watch products. But my point is make sure that you are celebrating the microwin of the task that you set out. One walk is one walk. Whether that walk is two hours or whether your walk is ten minutes, you took your one walk. Because when you started out, taking one walk is the uh is the unit of measurement that you set out. Now you can build upon that when you're ready and when you have a capacity to do so. Sometimes it's a micro wind to take the time away to make one phone call. You got a whole list of people that you need to catch up with, that you need to get back in touch with. Just start with making one call per day. Even if you have to set a time limit on it. Just reach out to one person per day. Eventually, you'll get to the end of that list of folks that you need to catch up with. And if you're really good, you can go ahead and start back at the beginning so that you can be sure to regularly check in with those folks. Just one page at a time, one bill at a time, one walk at a time, one call at a time. Just take it one at a time when you are restarting. And you are counting every one of those micro wins, you are counting, just doing one. Eventually, that confidence will come back, that motivation will kick in, and then we can start celebrating two or three, five, ten, a thousand. And my final point for today, and I talked about this a bit earlier, it was weaved into the other points. If you are restarting after a loss or a transition in life, so we're talking the loss of a loved one, divorce, career change, the loss of a job, uh, if you're moving into that phase of life of empty nesting, if you're experiencing um grief in any form, if you're having setbacks in your business, if you've run into financial hardship, when you're restarting after those areas of loss or transition, make sure that you keep healthy grace with yourself so that you can remain human, remember that you are human, and so that you can make sure that you aren't doing that self-punishment that is just really you being self-critical, that it's not helping to propel you to your next level. It's not helping to move you forward. As you think about all of the things that I've spoken about today and on the previous episodes, I want you to keep in mind this week, what's one thing that you've been waiting to restart that deserves your attention right now? That's something that you can write down, even if you don't have capacity to take action on it with what you have right now. But what's what's one thing that deserves your attention? If you can take action and start on it right now, start on it today, start on it this week, I encourage you to do so. However, if that thing that deserves your attention, for you to restart it, you simply don't have capacity for it right now, write it down and let that be the page that you turn back to when you do have the capacity and when you are able to restart and doing something in your reset. So thank you guys for joining us this week. Make sure you like, subscribe, share this episode with someone who you think that it can help, or somebody that may need a little reminder that restarting doesn't look the same way for everybody. And sometimes restarting it, restarting after a pause, it can be difficult. There are some things that you could do just to make it that much easier for yourself, andor ways for you to just go ahead and get started after setbacks, disappointment, grief, failure, life changes, any of those things. Click the link below so that you can grab your copy of Everybody Can't Go, the book that became the brand, this podcast, and now movement at www.everybody can't go, the number two.com. And also, if you are a premium member, shout out to our premium Everybody Can't Go Convo listeners. If you want to know what I'm talking about, click the link below so that you can become a premium listener for additional conversations where we take things just a bit deeper than what you hear on the free episodes. We also have resources and tools available for you in that community. And there are monthly giveaways and other exclusive premium access things that you get when you're a part of that premium community. So we hope to see you over there for some of the uh the freebies, the goodies, the giveaways, and for some of the deeper conversations that we have that can't be had here. And thank you guys again for tuning in to another Everybody Can't Go Convo. We will see you guys next week.