Redefining Help: Support in Tough Times When You BOTH Need It

In this episode, Jessi Holley explores the dynamics of friendship and support during challenging times. She emphasizes the importance of vulnerability, mutual support, and redefining what help looks like in healthy relationships.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Wednesday.

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Wait, wait, I and this is what the topic is about today. I'm sad. And we laugh. Happy Wednesday. And welcome to another Everybody Can't Go Convo. I'm your host, Jesse Holly. All right, look. So at a convo with a friend. And it's funny that I just flubbed that intro. And I'm gonna leave it like that unedited because this speaks to exactly what we were talking about and what is the inspo behind this episode. Okay, so because subconsciously I jumped straight into it as soon as we got on here, we're gonna get right to it today. Like, okay, this was the question. This sparked the conversation in the first place. So, what you supposed to do if you're in need right now? If if you're in need and your friend is in need and the other people in the circle is in need all at the same time, what we supposed to do? Because even though we have sworn off the saying, life do be life in. And what what is it if everybody's life is currently in some former state of chaos? What y'all supposed to do? Like, do you lean on that friend? Do you vent to that friend? Do they come and vent to you? Like, what do everybody do? So I was like, you know what? We we had a nice, a nice little round table about it. Like, okay, well, what would you prefer? What would you prefer? What would you prefer? And then I was like, you know what? Let me do a little bit of research on this because I'm like, do other people be talking about this with their friends? Like, what be going on? But what I came to find was it was a common consensus that we this is a topic that people don't really discuss, but more people experience it than are willing to talk about it. And I don't even remember how we got on the subject, how we got on this, but I was like, excuse me, I was like, I feel like this is a very valid question. Like this is a valid concern. And one of those that it did seem like it was taboo, because I'm like, it seems like this has to be an occurrence that it may not be like recurring that this happens with the friend group or your support group or your community. But I just noticed that there are times where like more than one person, their person, that usually, you know, they would lean back and forth. What if y'all both lean in at the same time? Then what? Y'all fall together, what goes on? So today, I only had three points about that question that I wanted to talk through as I started to look at what I was pulling out of the conversation. Um, and so I'm like, okay, this is what I was pulling out. And, you know, I was just type, type, type in a way while we were talking. I'm like, you know what? No, that's that's a good, a good place to land with that. So the first thing I'm gonna say is stop assuming that you're a burden. And y'all know when I be saying stuff to y'all, it's my hand. Because I'll also be talking to myself. So notice that that feeling sometimes when you need to ask for help, but your friends need help too, everybody will stay silent because you assume that you're being a burden. They'll assume that they're being a burden, and then nobody talks to each other. That sounds like the perfect recipe for when you're going through something, it's like, yes, such and such, they don't f with me no more. They're not messing with me. Are you sure? Someone else could always also feel the same way about you. Are you sure? Are they sure? So I noticed that that's one of those times where we have to look at our own thoughts during hard times when how we're perceived by other people. Did everybody else say they really didn't want you around while you was going through your go-through? Or do you just assume people don't want you around when you're going through your go-through and they're going through their go-through? We kind of automatically just decide that to ourselves that our friends already got too much on their plate. Our community is always already dealing with enough of their own. So how would they have time or space for whatever it is that we're going through? How could they possibly be of assistance? We just assume that their cup is already empty. Is it? Maybe not. Maybe we're assuming that their cup is empty. Maybe we're assuming that when we're coming to our friends, that we're being a burden to them. So some of those things that we're like, oh, they already pulling through it. They're dealing with enough. I don't want to add to their stress level. That's okay. I'm I'm good. I'll just I'll just figure it out by myself.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

I'll just figure it out by myself. You do know that friendship is not just about showing up when it's easy. I left that pause there intentionally for a reason. Because I really wanted you to think about it.

SPEAKER_01 5:33

When we're talking about actual friendships and relationships of value, it doesn't just involve showing up when it's easy, when life is a party, when things is moving and rolling on neutral. That's not what true friendship is. And so we have to think through ourselves, even if we are lending an ear or being there for a friend while they're in need, why is it so hard for us to ask for help?

SPEAKER_00 6:08

Have you ever considered that maybe you coming to your friend is a welcome distraction for them? Have you ever considered that your area of hardship the same way that you have areas where you have challenges and you have areas where you have great strengths.

SPEAKER_01 6:36

Remember those areas of challenge are areas for other people to be a blessing to you. Who's to say that the area where you're having challenges at where you need help at, it might not be no stand off your friend's back for them to help you out in that area because their problems, their issues, their challenges are in a totally different area. And maybe if we get out our own way enough, we can see a little bit quicker. Oh, even though we both bring your problems to the table, it's literally like when we at the lunch table, when we was up at kids in the cafeteria, everybody would open up their lunchbox, you would swap out. Oh, I hate orange jello. But you know, the jello packs used to come with the orange and the red. My mama, for one, wasn't letting us throw away no packs of jello because we didn't like that flavor. It got put in your lunchbox. Somebody across the table from you, oh my gosh, I hate chocolate pudding. It's the one with the white swirl in the middle.

SPEAKER_00 7:42

I don't like this one. Well, do you like orange jello? Let's go ahead and do a swap.

SPEAKER_01 7:50

Two people can be in need at the same time. That does not mean that all of their value and all of the blessings that they carry are all out the window at the same time. And sometimes we're robbing ourselves by not communicating with our friends because we think that we're being a burden to them. We think that we're adding something else to their plate, we think we're adding to their stress. We think it'll just be better if I just go by myself and figure this out. Now you're not being fair to yourself, and you may not be being fair to them as well. Because while y'all are having a venting session back and forth, one of y'all might have the orange and jelly cup, and the other one of y'all might have the chocolate pudding cup with the white swirl in the middle.

SPEAKER_00 8:38

Y'all need that release to each other. And because both of y'all have different flavored problems, y'all have a solution clearly for one another.

SPEAKER_01 8:56

And even if it's not an even exchange just that simple, that's not to say that it's it's making a hardship for your friend to be there for you. That in itself, that's an assumption that we put on ourselves and on our friend. So that's something for us to consider and think about. And so um, considering why do we even struggle when we're asking for help? Are we being prideful? Is that why we like, you know what, it's it's cool. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna say nothing good. I'll just do it myself. Is that your pride talking?

SPEAKER_00 9:34

Because you pretending to be falsely independent.

SPEAKER_01 9:38

Is it really gonna be better for you to go ahead and do it yourself, handle it yourself? Is it really gonna be better for you to not say something, not vent, not talk?

SPEAKER_00 9:53

And then here was one of the key things that I was like, you know what?

SPEAKER_01 9:57

Self, self was like, hmm, I'm like, girl, don't say me with such an attitude.

SPEAKER_00 10:04

There's a difference between being a burden to your friend and being vulnerable with your friend.

SPEAKER_01 10:14

Yep, take your deep breath right there because I that myself had cut me deep on that because I was so in my own, you know what, I need I need this right now. I didn't even think about am I really being a burden to my friend, or is it that I carry fear about being vulnerable with my friend in this area of my life? And if you're talking about it being a real friend, friend ain't about to judge you, drag you, use the information against you, talk about you, none of those things anyway. But what I can say is even knowing those things when we aren't thinking about what we're thinking about, sometimes we don't, we call it being a burden because we don't want to be vulnerable. We've let in our friend enough, we've let in our sometimes our spouse, we've let them in enough, we've let that relative, we've let them in enough.

SPEAKER_00 11:26

It's enough to to hold them close, keep them close, but is it really what you're gonna bring them? Is it really a burden to them?

SPEAKER_01 11:38

Do they really think of you that way? Or are you trying to shield yourself from to be more vulnerable and actually dig deep in talking about your feelings and talking about what's really going on with you?

SPEAKER_00 11:59

You worried about being a burden and you gonna call it that because you don't want to take accountability? Is it that?

SPEAKER_01 12:07

Are you causing your own problems? Or you don't want to go talk to your friend about it because you already know he or she is gonna be like, well, friend kind of did that to yourself. So no, I'm not gonna help you this time. Just the thoughts, just my thoughts. So just remember that some people who love you the most, they are actually waiting for the opportunity to be able to support you and to be able to be there for you. A lot of times, that person that you like, uh, I don't want to be a burden to them, you haven't even paid attention to, because you wasn't counting. You haven't even paid attention to how many times you were there for them. But they they've been paying attention and they remember. And so truly to them, it's not you're not being a burden to them.

SPEAKER_00 13:01

And sometimes when they're waiting for that opportunity to support you, you haven't given them a chance to yet. Are you blocking them from being mutually beneficial?

SPEAKER_01 13:15

Is everything always about you so much the strong friends? You don't want to go be a burden. Just think about that one. And then as we were talking about being mutually beneficial, the support doesn't have to be equal and at the same time to be meaningful. So, you know how I was just like, okay, well, you you wasn't even counting how many times you've been there for that friend or done something for that friend because y'all are genuinely friends, like you haven't been paying attention. But that doesn't mean that they haven't noticed how good of a friend that you have been to them. You might need to redefine for yourself what help looks like so that when it is their turn and when they've been like waiting, waiting so that they could jump in at being that same help, that same support that you have been for them in the past, even if they're in need right now, they might still be waiting on that opportunity so that they can demonstrate, they can show, like, no, really, you have my back during dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.

SPEAKER_00 14:26

And you like, oh shoot, I really ain't even remember that. Make sure that you leave that space for them to have that opportunity.

SPEAKER_01 14:40

And even though we not counting, the the very thing, the very like way that we're not counting, that's why I said that the support doesn't have to be equal. I was talking about you don't have to, you don't have to have the orange jello cup at the same time. Okay, we're gonna switch, we'll switch. Same time, same time, same time.

SPEAKER_00 15:05

It does, it does not have to be that apples to apples. Because we're not always talking about tangible give and take. We're talking about support overall.

SPEAKER_01 15:20

Sometimes that's mental, sometimes that's emotional, sometimes it's financial. But across any of those three areas, I mean, it could be physical support too. Even though, you know, we getting up there, people need to start booking movers because we can't keep helping each other move for some pizza on the floor in the evening time, okay? Like, we gotta start booking movers and and you know, let the professionals do this and we can go to dinner. Let them in. They finish much faster anyway. But shout out to the besties who have helped me move before, okay? But uh, even though across those areas of well-being, you may have given of yourself some of those, those areas, they don't have like a tangible price on them. That was one of the one of the things that one of my friends pointed out to me. I was uh, we were going going out to eat yet again, and I was like, oh no, it's okay. I could go ahead and pay for this. And he's like, absolutely not. You're gonna put your wallet away. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to put my wallet away. I still want to seem like a freeloader. And he was like, excuse me. And I'm like, I said, I don't want to look like a freeloader. And he's like, How dare you? Don't know. You're not gonna talk like that about our friendship. And I'm like, I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to offend you. And he's like, no, do you know how much like you've poured into me, how many times you've been there for me? And then just start going down this whole list of like, remember that time that you, that you, you talked to me because this, remember this time that, you know, uh you were there for me when this happened. Remember this time when this, remember this time when that, remember, remember, remember, remember. And I was focusing on the wrong thing. Because I was like, well, we've gone out a few times in the past couple of weeks, and and you always like get our coffee and like our pastries, our treats and stuff. You you bought dinner the past two or three times. And what he told me was, and for all of the times that you've been there supporting me emotionally and mentally, the least I can do is when we go out over your food.

SPEAKER_00 17:33

And I was like, you know what? I never really thought about that.

SPEAKER_01 17:38

Because sometimes we're so busy comparing apples to apples, arguing on the internet about how to split the check, that we don't look at where there are people in our lives who they place value on who you are and what you brought to their life that doesn't have anything to do with money. But in order for them to bring value back to your life, money is what they they have to show for it or show you with it, and vice versa. And when I thought about it, I'm like, you know what? That's the same thing as playing to your strengths. Some people are not artsy, but let me come to your crib and help you with a DIY project. I can't help it. I'm gonna come over there with a couple of little gifts and be like, okay, so this is what we're gonna do. You're gonna get tired before me. Because I'm going to be enjoying myself. Coming over to help, knowing that you hate this task. What I have to give isn't a monetary thing in that type of dynamic. What I have to give is my time, my uh my artistic thumb, my energy, my making everything fun.

SPEAKER_00 18:58

Because y'all know I'm gonna find a way.

SPEAKER_01 19:01

And sometimes we're so used to being with ourselves that we don't look at the value or what things about us that we feel are normal because those are our gifts, the things that come easy to us that may be difficult to others and most.

SPEAKER_00 19:18

We're bringing those things to the table, and people have to bring what they have to the table. One of my friends, he cooks so good. It's actually the same friend.

SPEAKER_01 19:32

And when I come over, he's like, hey, I just want to talk. Okay, cool. Your place, my place. Okay, cool. I'm coming over. I'll get there, and there's all types of there's chicken basala, there's some other curry on the stuff. And I'm like, are you cooking two different kinds of chicken right now? Yeah, I didn't know which one you wanted, but so the options are, and I'm like, did you just make a whole mini buffet? Yeah, so we can eat and talk together. And I'm like, I have a bottle of wine in my purse. It was the house gift. And that's how we come together. The support doesn't have to be equal. And for those of you who do put a very like laser focus on making sure that it's it's absolutely even for every single thing every time. I want you to take inventory of what are you bringing to the relationship? What are not romantic relationships, but that too. But what are you bringing to the relationship dynamic? Whether it's a friendship, platonic, uh, romantic relationship, what are you bringing to the relationship dynamic? And also look at what they bring to the relationship dynamic. Usually there is some overlap, but y'all aren't gonna both bring the exact same set of things. And that's what makes these friendships so, so beautiful and prosperous and valuable. And this is why you have to redefine what help looks like so that you get comfortable enough with being vulnerable enough to bring the problem to your friend instead of trying to solve it for yourself, instead of trying to have all the answers for yourself. The support may end up looking like you making sure that you allow your friend to have that quick phone call with you, to be alone together. Talk about that some more in a second, because sometimes that's all you need. Sharing resources, sharing those two things or those things that back and forth. One of y'all is real good in that area, the other one of you is not. Doing that resource swap, that's why we're not comparing apples to apples.

SPEAKER_00 21:55

Support might look like just getting on the phone or getting together praying for one another. Another. Just to go back a little bit, when I talked about being alone together, just sit in silence with the other person. Sometimes at quality time, when you're in need, it just looks like I would like to be near you, but I really don't want to talk right now. Your presence is enough. Have you ever felt like you was having a day and you like, you know what? I just want to go to my bestie's house.

SPEAKER_01 22:39

And Bessie is still doing their Saturday morning cleaning like she usually does.

SPEAKER_00 22:43

And you just on the couch wrapped in a blanket. And you just sit there. Or you go and you take your book. Or you go, you sit there and you scroll because you just wanted to be near him or her. And both of y'all just have a time, and you like, you know what?

SPEAKER_01 23:01

Let's go to the park or let's get our books. And y'all both curl up on the couch on y'all respective sides with your with your books and just turn on some little lo-fi music in the background. And y'all just chilling together silently.

SPEAKER_00 23:20

The presence of the other person sometimes, that's enough.

SPEAKER_01 23:24

And think about is that what you need? Is that the help that you need from your friend? Hey, I just want to be around you. I don't feel like being social, but I'd like to be near you.

SPEAKER_00 23:37

You feel like coming over so that we could be alone together for a little while. We'll say if being alone together is what you really need, and you haven't expressed that.

SPEAKER_01 23:55

Well, sometimes you end up agitating yourself a little bit. That's an expectation that you need to think about it to yourself and open up and talk to your friend about that. That you would love to be around, but you don't feel like talking, you don't feel like being social. You would like the comfort of being in their physical presence in the same room or in the same house, in the same apartment, same dwelling space.

SPEAKER_00 24:23

On the same blanket, on the same bench at the same park together at the same time. And just sit, just be. That's a form of helping a friend.

SPEAKER_01 24:39

That's one of those things that it can be a small act that a small act of support that at the time that's what you need the most.

SPEAKER_00 24:48

Think about the small act that you need the most at the time. Sometimes it's as simple as communicating that.

SPEAKER_01 25:04

Sometimes you might feel like it's a whole big thing. Oh my goodness, my friend is not about to drive 45 minutes to just come sit silently with me. You know, friends don't need a nice little 45-minute drive so that they can clear their head too. And that you just set out a nice little accountability thing for them that, well, you know what? It would be great to have a 45-minute drive to clear my head on my way to my friend's house. And there's this book.

SPEAKER_00 25:36

Because there's always this book that I've been meaning to read. Why wouldn't he or she want to come over to just spend time quietly reading your book? But that's you thinking, it's such a burden. But did you ask?

SPEAKER_01 25:57

Did you put it out there? Do you even know that you just helped them out by going ahead and letting them know, hey, I'm in need right now. Inadvertently helping them and getting what you need.

SPEAKER_00 26:11

Sometimes you speaking up, that creates a win-win for both of you. Even when both of y'all are going through it.

SPEAKER_01 26:22

Make sure that you aren't overlooking the areas where your friend has offered help. Because again, when we have those different areas of strength, we're going to offer what we have available. It may not be exactly what you need, but if it's something that can ease any of the other burdens around so that you can focus on what it is that you need, sometimes that offer it by proxy, they might not be able to help specifically with the issue that you have, but they can help other things surrounding the issue that you have. So that you can put your time, focus, energy, and attention towards solving the problem.

SPEAKER_00 27:05

Don't disregard that help by proxy. Don't overlook the stuff that's being offered.

SPEAKER_01 27:11

Even if you usually wouldn't take it, even if you think you don't need it, take a second look. Because right now, it could help you to shift some things so that you can get out of your out of your challenge. And sometimes, like the biggest gift that somebody can give you is just simply knowing that they're there. That you don't have to disappear while you're in need. You don't have to disappear until you get everything back together. Sometimes it's not about letting them know what's going on because they're supposed to come in and save you and fix your situation. Sometimes it's just knowing that you don't have to carry it along. It's just knowing that you don't have to be like sequestered off. You don't have to isolate yourself while you're going through what you're going through or while you're dealing with your issues, because your friend still supports you no matter what.

SPEAKER_00 28:14

Because your community does still want you around. You just being you and your presence is enough even when you are in need. I don't know. Ask somebody to tell you.

SPEAKER_01 28:34

Or Google it. I guess I could Google it, but I'm not. But the I think it was a parable. It talked about some lost coins. And just because the coins were lost, that doesn't mean that they lost their value.

SPEAKER_00 28:49

It's the same thing with you.

SPEAKER_01 28:53

You don't lose your value and what you bring to the friendship and what you bring to your community based upon you currently being in a season of challenge within your life. True friendships, relationships, relationship dynamics, through friendship and community, it doesn't just stop because you need something. Or it doesn't just stop because you don't have the capacity currently to show up at 125.

SPEAKER_00 29:28

The love don't just stop. That's the purpose of the community. Well, one of the purposes.

SPEAKER_01 30:28

Being able to see you still showing up and showing up, that looks like strength and it can be inspiring to others when you just show up, even when you feel empty. Just show up. Your presence is enough.

SPEAKER_00 30:43

Because sometimes that's all somebody wanted was to just see your face.

SPEAKER_01 30:49

You ain't gotta be your usual cheery, bubbly self. You don't have to have all the things and do all the extras, and you don't have to come to the door with a gift, with a bottle of wine in your purse, with some chocolates.

SPEAKER_00 31:03

With the look what I got for you. I found this. You can just show up in your joggers and your t-shirt, and they are going to love you just the same.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

Because you don't deserve less love, and real friends don't give you less love just because you are at a time when you're in need.

SPEAKER_00 31:30

And remember, everybody ain't gotta be strong at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 31:33

That's not the point. That's really not the point. Because if everybody's strong at the same time, I mean, anything, there can always only be one championship. And even then, everybody on the team ain't all strong at the same time.

SPEAKER_00 31:46

It still be injuries and chips are one. They are.

SPEAKER_01 32:22

Somebody's always the giver, and then there's another person who's the taker. Usually, if you're in that dynamic, if you're the giver, you're the person that when you finally need help or you finally feel like you're in an area of challenge or need, you have trouble expressing that to the other person.

SPEAKER_00 32:41

Is it because they can't help you no way, or is it because they won't help you no way? If it's that won't boy, then I'm gonna tell you. Y'all on audio and pointing to the sign. Just examine that, because you know everybody can't go.

SPEAKER_01 33:05

And if while you're in need, that's when you you notice or you realize, you're like, hey, yeah, examining that, that friendship dynamic, that relationship dynamic, there, I go well, why you ain't never got nothing.

SPEAKER_00 33:20

Really?

SPEAKER_01 33:24

And remember, this is not just talking about the financials. I'm talking energy, resources, emotional, mental, physical, financial, all of it, spiritual, all of it. Know that when you are involved in a um a friendship where one person is a giver and one person is a taker, life doesn't work like that forever.

SPEAKER_00 33:51

Eventually, um, that's that's gonna run out.

SPEAKER_01 33:55

And a balanced friendship or relationship, it even when friendships are healthy and that are balanced, there are still going to be times in life or seasons when both of y'all are grieving at the same time, when both of y'all are struggling financially, both of y'all are emotionally exhausted, both of y'all need support, or it can be a mix and match. One of y'all could be grieving and the other person could be emotionally exhausted. One of y'all could be emotionally exhausted and the other person is financially struggling. It can be a mismatch, it can be a mashup. But nobody ever said that a healthy relationship, I mean a healthy uh friendship or relationship involves there's only one man down at a time.

SPEAKER_00 34:51

That's kind of a rule that we we kind of decided that collectively amongst ourselves.

SPEAKER_01 35:00

No, we can't both be down at the same time. Who said that? That was one of the things that made me actually dig into it and start to, you know, do some more research into these, into these relationships, dynamic shawl. If we're truly operating in being emotionally intelligent so that we can communicate well and communicate healthily and uh lead healthy relationships, healthy friendships. Whoever said that the rule was only one man can be down at a time. That is completely false. That's why we got to think about what we're thinking about. That was never a qualifier or rule for being in a healthy friendship.

SPEAKER_00 35:48

It's okay for two of you to be in need at the same time, even in the same area. Don't isolate or sequester yourselves away from one another or from the group just because of that.

SPEAKER_01 36:04

And if you have to to still be a part of the group once you're out of your situation, is that a real friend group and is it healthy?

SPEAKER_00 36:14

Is that a healthy dynamic? Healthy friendships leave room for mutual humanity, mutual grace. As part of that mutually beneficial friendship area, even when both of y'all are going through it, there is still space for mutuality. And that's a word. If it's not, I just made it up. There's still room for it though. So things to like ask yourself do you feel uncomfortable needing other people and for help? Are you being prideful? Because that pridefulness is covering up that you are fearful of being vulnerable. What does it look like for your friendships to maintain reciprocity during those difficult seasons for one or both of you?

SPEAKER_01 37:32

And what new things do you guys need to do, or how do you maintain that friendship and maintain that connection when both of y'all are in need?

SPEAKER_00 37:42

Conversation needs to be had.

SPEAKER_01 37:45

Do both of you need a little space? Do both of you need different kinds of hangout and time spent together? Do one of you guys need to borrow some money and the other one just needs to come over and be cared for for the day?

SPEAKER_00 38:04

Does one of you have the desire to be alone together?

SPEAKER_01 38:07

And the other one of you needs accountability so that you can actually buckle down, be quiet, and have that time, space, and environment to just focus. Sometimes some of the things that the two of you need for relief may just fit together like yin and yang, but be very different things to address very different problems. Or because of the way that the two of you process what you're going through, even if you're going through the same thing, you could need very different solutions and coping mechanisms.

SPEAKER_00 38:48

So make sure that you stay open, make sure that you share, make sure that you keep in touch and you communicate. Strong friendships don't come from just one person always having an answer.

SPEAKER_01 39:08

And with that being said, even if you got a lot of them, that doesn't mean that you always have to have the answer. Because if you don't always have all the answers, that means that somebody else in that friendship, they have to have some answers, don't they?

SPEAKER_00 39:24

Don't be afraid to let your friend take the lead.

SPEAKER_01 39:31

Don't be afraid to let your friend take care of you in the ways that they're able to take care of you well, even while they're in need, the same way that there are still areas that you can take care of your friend well, even when you are in need. You guys can work together and continue to build your friendship and continue to keep your friendship strong or strengthen it, deepen your bond by opening up a bit, making sure that even if you aren't working like together, you guys can be working in tandem side by side, working through those problems so that you can get back to the sunny part of friendship. So don't forget that being a strong friend, stop worrying about being a bang off strong friend. That doesn't mean that you have to carry everything by yourself. And that doesn't mean that just because your friend also has hardship or that they're going through something, that they don't love you enough to still have grace, space, time, energy for you.

SPEAKER_00 40:47

Sometimes y'all are coming together, recharging each other's battery in a way that nobody else can. And that's not robbing them of that is not what you would want to do, dear friend. Even when you're in need. Not a real friend, at least. I know that. So even when it's not easy for both of you, make sure that you reach out anyway.

SPEAKER_01 41:14

Let them know that you really could use a listening ear. Ask them, do they have the time and emotional space for you to let them know what's going on?

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Or do they need to make space? And they make space.

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Healing isn't just learning how to give support, it's also learning how to receive the support and to be vulnerable with other people. This week, make sure to go chop it up on this topic with your friends, chop it up in the comments below. Okay. Let me know what do y'all think because these are these are the the takeaways that I came away with based upon a conversation with one of my good friends and a couple of my bestities. Let me know, like, what did you and your bestities decide? Where did y'all land on the on the topic on the conversation? I would love to know. Brought you guys perspectives from one of my male friends and one of my female friends. Let me know. How do you and your friends, how do y'all tackle it?

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For this week, identify one person that you trust and have this conversation with them. Get a little more vulnerable than you would like to. Let's practice some healthy communication.

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And when you do it before you need to, that pre-preps you and makes it just that much easier when you ain't really feeling up for it, but you know it's what needs to be done anyway. So that you can maintain the friendships and the relationships and the communities that you value and that means something to you. So make sure that you share this episode with someone who uh you feel that it could help, or share it with that bestie, share it with that friend group that you like. Hey, okay, so y'all, I got a question. Share this episode with them. Make sure to grab your copy of Everybody Can Go. The book, yes, is finally here. It's out. Go ahead, head over to Amazon or Barnesanoble.com. You can find. Any of the links that you need at www.everybody can't go, the number two.com so that you can order your copy food a mm you can also head over to everybodyc.com if you want to see the latest and greatest in what's going on past podcast episodes. Make sure that you subscribe on YouTube or Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to your podcast. And also click the link below if you would like to join the Everybody Can't Go Convos subscription VIP fan base, where you gain access to exclusive After Dark episodes, exclusive content. We have giveaways every month and some extra resources so that you have instant access to additional things that you can use: toolkits, resources, you get printouts, free booklets, free workbooks. There's a bunch of stuff that's included in your subscription. So add down to the show link below. It's only $10 a month. Only $10 for extra episodes of the show, exclusive interviews, more bonus content, resources, downloads, and digital products. And you also get first divs at any of the workshops or live events that are coming up. You get first divs in early access, as well as promo codes. So what that really means is your subscription cost of $10 a month. Really, you can end up recouping that and buying it back with the promo codes that you would have on just one ticket for some of the things that are coming up in the pipeline in the future for you. So yeah, make sure to tune in next week for another Everybody Can't Go combo.