Aligning Your Goals with Your Current Reality

This episode explores the importance of aligning your current life with your future goals, especially after experiencing grief and loss. Jessi Holley emphasizes self-care, redefining success, and building from a solid foundation to ensure sustainable growth and healing.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

And we laugh.

SPEAKER_02 0:04

The Wednesday. And welcome to another Everybody Can't Go combo. I am your host, Jesse Holly. And today, we are going to get into a few points, a little list, because there were a few things that I wanted to make sure were in succinct order. We are in episode 4-4 on our rebuild series. So as we come to a close on going through your new identity, creating new stability, maintaining and building new momentum. Today we are going to move into intentional living. So for today's episode, I wanted to talk a bit about creating a life that fits who you are now. So last week, when we talked about motivation, the lack of motivation, what motivation realistically looks like for you right now, we uh took a lot of a bit of a deep dive into what motivation can mean when you're coming from being a very high-achiev person, someone who is very successful, to having to slow down a bit and to take some of the things off of your plate so that you are able to rebuild and maintain. So while we're moving into today's topic, we are looking at the things that you'll need to do so that you can make life fit for right now. We're being more so present-focusing so that your future goals could get here sooner so that you weren't building for no reason only to drop the ball again because you either started too fast, took on too much, or you were expecting to magically be who you were before experiencing grief and loss. So building a future that's aligned with your current reality, that is something that a lot of times, if we don't think about what we're thinking about and pay attention to what our intentions are and whether or not we're taking care of ourselves at present. The future that you think that you're going to have, if you aren't taking care of yourself in the present, that future is not going to look like what you think it's going to look like. You have to take care of today's you in order for your future and the future you to be able to build the things and the life that you are dreaming up for yourself, that you have written out with your vision, that you have posted on your vision board. If you aren't taking care of yourself or taking that time off of that self-care right now that you need, future you is gonna suffer. The vision that you have for your life moving forward that is going to suffer is going to have an effect on it because one, you may be building on shaky ground, like we talked about last week. And two, you may also be in a situation where even though you're forcing yourself to keep going so that you can build, very easily, if you are building this thing as a house of sticks, when what you need to be building with is bricks, then you are going to end up with not only a shaky foundation, but everything that's built on that, it can be weak itself. So things may not crumble from the foundation. All the work that you just did, all of that can topple over. So you have to make sure that the future that you're planning that is in alignment with the current reality of your values, your mental capacity, your emotional capacity, and the momentum that you are able to produce healthily right now, while you are working on healing, while you are working on rebuilding, and while you are working on making sure that the current routines, habits, and the things that you're rebuilding right now, and the self-care that you're practicing right now, all of those things are solidified so that as you are continuing to move forward, you don't have to, you know, take that nine steps forward, possibly 12 steps back because you did too much too soon, or because you didn't listen to yourself or listen to your body, listen to your mind when it was telling you, hey, we we still need time for healing and we still need time to actually take rest and to bathe yourself a little bit, because sometimes it's going to take that extra because you are going to be more tired. You are going to need some extra grace with yourself because your focus is on the healthy healing portion of things, which to a certain degree, you are growing in that area specifically, learning the coping mechanisms that are healthy, learning the uh the mental health tools that are recommended to you by your clinician, that you are starting to implement it into your life. Some of the techniques, you know, the breathing, the binaural beats, the taking mindfulness moments throughout the day, all of those things that you're implementing, you are doing a lot of growth, just not in your typical areas, because you have to grow in that healing area so that you can take care of yourself in the current, so that as you continue to build, you will be successful and you will remain successful as you continue to build going along your way. So make sure that the old goal set that you had before you experienced uh extreme loss or grief, or before you experienced a massive pivot in life, let go of the goals that are outdated and let go of the expectations that went with them. Now, when I say let go of outdated goals, that doesn't mean just take the goal sheet, crumple up the whole thing, and you lie. Like, no, you aren't just tossing out the whole thing. Before you toss out the whole thing, you're letting go of the parts of your goals that are no longer in alignment with where you are right now. This can include you might need to change the due date. There may be some people that are no longer involved in your final vision, or who will not be present. There are some resources that you may no longer have access to, or you need to create a plan to replace those resources in getting these goals accomplished. So when you are looking at letting go of those outdated goals, really what we're looking at is making sure that you update those goals if that is the case. If the goal itself is completely obsolete at this point, let it be obsolete. Let it go. Because we don't always make, like, you know how I said, pick one or two things that you were focusing on. If you had a goal list of 10, more than likely the bottom six, seven, eight, the no, yeah, the bottom seven, eight, nine, ten, those last four on your list of 10. So really those top six, those are the ones that you really, really wanted. Those are the ones that in the top three, that's what you actually intend on doing. Those last four that you put on the list, a lot of times, those are either way, way down the line, or it's not really stuff that it's not really stuff that you plan to have or that you're you're going to have. It's it's like, I mean, it's nice to have, but it's not urgent. It may be important to you, but it's not urgent. And perhaps it's not even important. It may just be something that you was like, just gotta fill in these last four spots, these last three spots on this list of 10. So if the goals that you have on that list, if there are any of them that at this point they are moot, or you're like, I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that down as a goal, it's okay. We can go ahead and mark those off, put it in file G, so that you can go ahead and refocus the rest of your energy on making sure that the goals that are left remaining are in proper alignment and that you're making sure that you are updating those goals, any of the details of the goals or any of the details of your overall vision that are now outdated. Make sure that you update that information. Make sure that any of the expectations that you had that went with those outdated details, go ahead and let those expectations go.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

Including the expectations of others. Point at the everybody can't go sign for those of you on audio.

SPEAKER_02 9:46

Because the expectations that you had of yourself to begin with, were they even expectations of you, or were they the out external expectations of other people for what they wanted you to do? And even if you know who they is in this case, remember you were focusing on healing, self-care, and repairing you. So that you even had the energy later to be worried about what they say, whoever they is. With letting go of the expectations that are now outdated, whether those be internal expectations or external expectations, there will sometimes that will require some new boundaries, possibly conversations that need to be had so that you can communicate what those new boundaries look like. As you are taking the time to revamp your outdated goals so that you can account for what you have lost, who you have lost, and the life that you're currently living as you are rebuilding during your healing and after your healing journey. So make sure that you're rebuilding from alignment instead of from survival mode. That goes right back to when I talked about making sure that when you're building, that you aren't building on a shaky foundation so that you can save yourself time when it is time for you to move forward so that you don't have to keep going back, repeating steps or repairing all of the cracks in what you've been building along the way. That's the purpose of the this era, this time being called like your rebuilding journey, because there are sometimes many aspects of your life where grief and loss, it has affected everything across your life, or it has affected big portions of your life where you had everything offset, you had a dream, a goal, a vision in mind, and you were working toward that at time.

SPEAKER_01 12:04

And then grief and loss hit. It made a change to what was available through your options, your resources, it made a change to your mental, your emotional, your physical.

SPEAKER_02 12:21

When we're talking about rebuilding from alignment, this is why over the past few weeks, I've been telling you, even if you want to call it being selfish, sometimes you do have to be selfish because when we get to the point of rebuilding where we're looking at is this aligned? What are the odds of what you're building actually being successful? You have to make sure that you are building from what you have right now, not what you wish you had, not what you used to have, not what you want to have. You have to get to the state that you want to be in and get to what you want to have based upon what you have right now. That means that you have to take into account what you don't have right now, what you are not able to use, what you don't have access to right now, so that you can make the alignment so that when you're either getting it, replacing it, or rebuilding it, that it's going in a way that you aren't just grasping at straws, taking what you can get. You just gonna take whatever BS on the platter somebody offers you because you're operating in survival mode. If you're operating in survival mode, just operate. Don't try to rebuild in that. Because if you're in survival mode right now, you just be in that state. Because getting out of survival mode requires healing. It doesn't require, let me just get up and go. I got my motivation back. I'm about to just start, I'm about to be building stuff left and right. Do it if you want to. Do it that way if you want to. I just want to highlight for you that step in between. Have you ever tripped up the stairs? Because you lifted your foot a little bit too high. So you skip the step, but you didn't lift your foot high enough to get to the other steps, so you trip up them joints. And don't let you have a bottle of something, a cup of something without the top on it, or it's glass, and you're tripping up the stairs, you falling, stuff rolling down the stairs, you trying to keep from sliding back down the stairs. When you're moving out of grief, loss, extreme grief and loss, when you're moving out of survival mode and you try to just skip straight back to, I'm gonna skip straight to rebuilding. I want you to think about the last time you fell up the stairs with a bunch of stuff in your hands. Everything went everywhere. Because when you tried to just skip over that healing portion before you begin to rebuild, and if you just try to go straight from survival to rebuilding, that's that's what it's gonna look like. That's what life is gonna look like. For a second, you're gonna think you're good until you you halfway skip that one stair and everything fall. Healing has to take place, even if you are rebuilding while you are healing. The healing has to be involved for you truly to be moving out of that survival mode for good. And to make sure that you aren't building on just the random foolishness of survival mode, making sure that you're building, rebuilding from alignment. Now, we did talk about that. That does change your timetables, that does change what your vision will look like sometimes, that will change. You will execute on getting your goals accomplished, but that doesn't mean that all of that stuff is out the window and it's trash. It just means that there are changes, there are pivots, there are pauses that are now involved in your entire process so that you can get everything done.

SPEAKER_01 16:28

When we are looking at creating new routines, also look at creating new relationships.

SPEAKER_02 16:35

And, you know, last week I talked about the changing up your environment. I want you to also consider looking at introducing new environments as you are considering what life looks like for you right now. Right now, you may need new environments. So when we're talking about changing your scenery, I recommended going to a different room and house. Make sure you get some time outside. Now I want you to take it a step further and look for some new places to go. Even if that's something as simple as you're going to switch from going to see your licensed clinician online and you're going to start seeing them in the office. That is a new environment. Are you going to take on the task if you're a DIY girlier guy? Are you going to take on the task of redecorating or remodeling one of the rooms in your home or the garage, your shish, your man cave, your studio, your reading space? Is there somewhere around the house that like that's your spot, that's your place, and you're looking at redecorating or revamping it so that you're able to change the environment? You're doing that redecorating and revamping. Are you adding some more self-care things to be nearby? New plants. Expensive candle that you were like, I'm not paying $30 for that candle. Is that something that you would really enjoy right now? Is that something that would make you happy to have it? Go ahead. Get your expensive candle and find you a nice, pretty place to put it. Or a nice handsome place to put it. Go ahead and splurge on that fluffy blanket or that new tool that you'll use because you're your um if your your hobby is working on cars. Go ahead and splurge on that new tool that you needed so that you can do some more of your passion project. Maybe while listening to some binarial beats. Not the kind that'll make you fall asleep if you're working with machinery and tools. But what are some of the things that will support your peace? What are some new routines, some new relationships, possibly some relationships where you just who haven't you talked to in a while? That it would be good for you to call them and catch up. People that will support your peace, places that will support your peace.

SPEAKER_01 19:25

What about that new spa that opened up in your area? Maybe you could check it out for an afternoon or a morning.

SPEAKER_02 19:36

Getting that massage that you've been putting off for I don't know how long, or even trying something new in a new environment. Maybe go, what is a hydrofacial? Let me go try it out. Let me go get one.

SPEAKER_01 19:50

Let me talk to the esthetician about how to brighten my glove. Maybe sign up for that reflexology. What does that mean?

SPEAKER_02 20:03

Where they, you know, poke and pride at all of the different places on your feet. Would that support your piece to actually just lay back, take the time to close your eyes and feel when they press on a specific pressure point? Do I feel relief in my shoulder? And if that just sounded crazy to you, just go go do some reflexology and acupuncture stuff.

SPEAKER_01 20:28

I'm telling you, you just close your eyes and let me.

SPEAKER_02 20:36

So once you have chosen your one or two new things that you will add in terms of routine, relationship, environment that support your peace, I want you to also think about redefining for yourself what does what is success now?

SPEAKER_01 21:00

Like what is it? Because we knew what it looked like before the grief and loss occurred.

SPEAKER_02 21:08

And while you're in the midst of that thing, you ain't thinking about what success is gonna look like in the future. Because a lot of times you spend time reflecting, looking back at the past, reminiscing, missing the person-place thing. So when we're looking forward and when we're looking at right now, and how right now is in alignment with forward, what does success look like now when you're moving forward based upon where you are?

SPEAKER_01 21:44

What things will you have to tweak about what success means to you?

SPEAKER_02 21:52

You're gonna end up going back to that vision that I said that you may have to end up rewriting or at least making some adjustments to. I know success was a part of that vision that you created for yourself, else you wouldn't be here. But what does success look like now? Are there some things that you're going to end up adding? Because at the space that you're at now, coming from a very low place or a low-feeling place, while you were healing, while you were rebuilding, you are rethinking, revamping, rebuilding, redefining all of these things.

SPEAKER_01 22:35

Would now success look like you getting back to some of the things that you used to do?

SPEAKER_02 22:42

Some of the things that we had to put on pause, some of the things that we had to let fall by the wayside, some of the things we had to delegate, some of the things that we had to let others handle. Now is a part of your success when you're redefining what it looks like. Does success look like taking all of those things back on? Does it look like replacing some of those things with something that is at a higher level? Does it look like beginning to step into managing the people and tasks that you have delegated to them? Does it look like just checking in and allowing them to keep those tasks that you've delegated so that you can continue to grow and move on to something else?

SPEAKER_01 23:36

Make sure that you take decent gander at what you feel like success will be now when you see your future self.

SPEAKER_02 23:55

If you don't do any of those things, at least keep it in mind what it's what it's gonna look like, because it may not look like what you had previously envisioned. And then finally, make sure that while you are, while you're rebuilding, because you need to be gentle with yourself right now, you need to have that extra grace with yourself. You do need that extra self-care. You have to focus on your peace so that you're able to build yourself back up as you are moving forward. Make sure that you aren't like painting yourself into a box, or you're creating a life that you are, you're making your own cage. You're creating a life that you feel like you need to escape from it. All of these things lead back to that, that like I don't want you to be so focused on I have to heal within this amount of time. Healing has to look this way. When I rebuild, I must do all of these things. Take your time and do it a little bit at a time. So that you don't like we I talked about building on that solid foundation and making sure that you're ready when you go to the next step because you are in a fragile state right now.

SPEAKER_01 25:29

Even if you build too much too soon, too fast, and it stands, consider the option that it could stand, but everything that you built, that could become your prison. And you built it yourself.

SPEAKER_02 25:52

Because that also is an alternative outcome for when you're doing too much too soon and you aren't considering the new alignment or the new path, even if it's just an adjustment to the left a little bit. The further down the road you get, that little bit of an adjustment to the left that you did not make, so that you can make sure that you were in alignment with where you're going coming from where you're at right now. The further down you get, the more evident it's going to be. So it could seem like, you know what, I'm not too far off. It's fine, it's cool, it's cool, it's cool. Things could either fall down or you could build up a fortress that you can't get out of.

SPEAKER_01 26:42

To me, both of them sound like I don't want either one.

SPEAKER_02 26:50

When I could just build steadily, heal steadily, rebuild on healing steadily. And y'all know I don't like moving slow, but this is one of those times where I ain't gotta like it. You ain't gotta like it. After all the guilt and the grief and the loss, we we we ain't worried about liking. We worried about getting to the destination and being healthy, whole, and wealthy in a multitude of areas. By the time we get there, being able to have the freedom to enjoy it because we haven't built up walls or built up a life around us that we feel trapped in it. And also so that when we get there, it's sustained so that we can enjoy it and continue to enjoy it and continue to build.

SPEAKER_01 27:47

And eventually we can step back and look at our work and say, Yeah, that's good. That's what I would love to have for you guys. I imagine that that's what God would want for us. So your next chapter should support who you are right now.

SPEAKER_02 28:12

You can't make your next chapter or those following based upon who you used to be before experiencing grief and loss. Because you're you're making a set of directions that it no longer applied. And part of being aware of that and keeping that in mind as we're building our action plans, as we're healing, and as we're doing things to get back to our new normal, it makes it just that one sand grain easier each day. So as we wrap up this series and as the series comes to a close, know that grief may have changed your life. May have changed it for the worse for a season, but as you are coming out of that season and you're rebuilding, your rebuilding phase is where you start to choose and you resume getting to choose what comes next. And you also get to choose whether or not you will keep your eyes open for making sure that those next steps are aligned with who you have been forced to become, or who you have become, and where you are right now. Or if you want to build on that shaky foundation, it could just be quicksand because you're trying to force it and make things that used to apply, but you're trying to make them apply right now when they no longer do. Either way, I wish you the best in your grief journey, in your healing journey, as well as in your rebuilding journey while you continue to move forward, while you continue to take care of yourself and those around you when you are ready. But continue to at least take those bits of time to yourself to be selfish so that you can heal to the point where you have blossomed into that new you so that you can go forth and be selfless without attempting to continue pouring an empty cup. So thank you guys for joining me tonight. Housekeeping things for you. If you haven't already, make sure you head over to www.everybodycant the number two.com and order your copy of everybody can't go the book that became the brand displayed and the movement. You can go directly to search and order everybody can't go the book from barnesandnoble.com as well as on Amazon. Make sure that you subscribe. Share this episode with someone that you think it could help. And uh yeah, make sure you leave us a comment, give us a like, and uh leave us a review. We'd love to hear from you. So, with that, we thank you for joining another Everybody Can't Go Convo. And I will see you guys next week.