Start Without Motivation

Jessi Holley discusses rebuilding motivation and discipline after loss, emphasizing self-care, patience, and realistic expectations. She shares practical tips for restarting routines, managing emotional exhaustion, and supporting mental health during recovery.

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Transcript

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And we laugh. Happy Wednesday, and welcome to another Everybody Can Go Convo. I am your host, Jesse Holly. And today we are gonna keep moving right along talking about rebuilding, rebuilding after grief, after loss, and continuing to uh build upon those concepts. So dive into something that is like look, I know I told y'all last week and probably the week before that, that sometimes that it gets hard, it gets tough, and you guys are able to see things unfolding in one hour per week. Okay. So today I wanted to talk about starting again where your motivation is gone. We all run into those uh those days or those times where it's just like, okay, so here it's been raining, like literally. This has been like the fifth, sixth day in a row, like possibly the seventh or eighth, that every single day it has. Oh no, you know what? No, this is like the the seventh or eighth day because the last time it was sunny and nice outside was last Tuesday. So sun has been at a minimum. Like, even if it wasn't raining, it was overcast. Energy draining, okay? So you're talking about there's all the things I know what to do. Every day of the rain chipped away a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more. And I'm just, I'm tired. I'm tired. And it's a it's a like, not I stayed up too late, not I did too much. It's like just that motivation has been, has been pulled out. And I know why. I know why. With going on the journey of rebuilding, and you know, you can still go outside, even though the weather is kind of sucky, but who wants to go outside when the weather sucks? I wouldn't even say this snow is better than this because at least I could build the snow, man. But so I was like, you know what? I want to talk to you guys about how to restart, how to resume when your motivation is gone. So what we're looking at, rebuilding consistency, rebuilding discipline, and sometimes even rebuilding hope within yourself, rebuilding, having that good mood, having that neutral ground after you have gone through loss or grief. Sometimes exhaustion takes over. And you could be exhausted from your grief journey. You could be exhausted emotionally, you could be exhausted mentally, you could be physically exhausted. Sometimes your physical exhaustion doesn't have to do with you not even getting rest. Your physical exhaustion comes from the toll that the mental and emotional exhaustion takes on the brain, on your mind, and on your body. We talked about that a few episodes back with a licensed clinical counselor, Dana Bell. We talked about how that mental and emotional exhaustion, how it makes your body tire physically, of what that's really doing to you. So when you're thinking about all of those factors, we're starting to get to, okay, y'all know I'm like, mm-mm, take accountability. Ain't nobody trying to hear no excuses. But now we're digging a little bit further than that, looking at, mm, are you actually exhausted? Because that's not an excuse. Remember, disclaimer, I am not a licensed mental health clinician. However, when we did talk with the clinician, she spoke with us about what it's doing to our body to stay in such a state. And so part of regaining your motivation, we got to get down to the root of why you aren't motivated in the first place. And when you're dealing with grief and loss, sometimes that lack of motivation is not rooted in just you ain't motivated. Just you lazy. You don't feel like it. You ain't got no accountability. You ain't got no accountability group. Sometimes you have to take a step back even further so that you can assess whether or not you're physically tired because of the emotional and mental toll on your body, because we know that being in such a state for especially for a prolonged period of time, it will start to affect your health in a physical way, in the way that your body feels, and then the toll that is taken on your body physiologically. So if that is the case, sometimes to regain that motivation and so that you're able to start again, you're gonna need a heart reset. And sometimes you may need to take that time out, having that heart reset more often than you previously did. And I will say this from personal experience, you might need a heart reset more often than what you would like. It may even feel like it's getting in the way of life life and is getting in the way of your rebuilding process. But remember, this is something that we can't rush it. And even if you do rush it, you'll take seven steps forward, but you could end up also being knocked five steps back for all of that effort that you put into trying to catch up. So we we talked about, and y'all know I made my, I got five points for you today. We talked about that first one, about the grief impacting your momentum and also impacting your focus, which is why I put my bullet points down, okay? I had to make sure that as I was thinking through this, what did I want to talk to you guys about? Let me make my bullet list. The paper remembers your mind doesn't. Not all the time. And that's okay. That's why we write things down so that we can make sure that we aren't forgetting some of the things on our to-do list. Sometimes it's because we need a brain dump. Please believe I got lists for more than just what are the three or four things? What are the five things that I want to talk to y'all about on the pod today? I make lists for everything now. And if I don't, so much stuff will slip through the cracks. So, um, and part of that falls into that bucket of your focus, where is your focus at? Where your focus goes, your energy flows. And right now, when we're looking at restarting when your motivation is gone, we have to put more focus inward and put focus on self-assessing. And sometimes we got to put focus on the ways that we have changed so that we're able to make adjustments, even if they're temporary. Right now, the temporary adjustments are needed so that you can move forward long term, so that as you're rebuilding, it's something that you can not only sustain, but something that you're able to maintain. We are building up fast so that we can catch up for something that gets hoe up just as fast as you rebuilt it because you didn't build on that solid foundation that we've been talking about for the past few weeks. So note the difference between being pressured to refine that motivation, especially refining that motivation at the level that you were at previously. You know, I talked to y'all about the stuff that I have done. I've tested it out already, I tried it. And it's like, ooh, okay, that wasn't right. So let me tell you guys so you don't have to make the same mistake. Pay attention to the difference between pressure to come back at the same level of motivation that you had to step back from and realize that that is something different than a being uh disciplined in a sustainable way, given your new emotional state, your new mental state, and sometimes your new physical state because of those other two things. So when we're looking at regaining momentum, we're looking at getting back in motion, we're looking at getting that motivation back. Sometimes you're not gonna be able to start back seven days a week. You might not even be able to start back five days a week. That's jumping back into it too much too soon. Just chill out, chill out. You may need to start with every other day. Just start with three times a week. I know for those of us that we used to doing something five, six, seven days a week, it's like three, that's barely nothing. But three is better than zero. And why would you put yourself through attempting to restart at full steam ahead, knowing that you're starting back out a little shaky, you're regaining your strength, you're regaining that momentum. And you may be starting back from having zero motivation or out of 100%, you may have only had 10, 15. You might have known that you need to get motivated, that you need to get back to doing certain things, that you need to add stuff back to your routine. And I think I talked about this last week. Don't try to add everything back to your regular routine all at once. So when we're looking at frequency, don't try to add it back seven, seven days a week a week. And when we're at uh looking at the number of tasks, don't try to add seven things all at once. You're only picking one or two things to add back into your rotation and make sure that you start slow so that you can build your way back up. When you started doing that thing and implemented it into your routine in the first place, did you start just seven days a week just off-rip? Did you continue it because you were like, I'm gonna join this challenge where you had community support, you were talking about it every day with the group, you had coaches and mentors around you, you had guidance, all of these other things. And now you're you're jumping out there on that new trend because you did it with all of the support around you before. You're like, ugh, I know what I'm doing. I'm gonna just jump into it. I'm just gonna go. Really think about the environment and the resources that surrounded you before, and the environment and resources available to you right now, as you embark on regaining that motivation or picking back up on that motivation. Sometimes that environment that you had so that you could go ahead and get started and go full steam ahead. If you don't have that environment available and if you don't have that support available, when you're coming back from being in a vulnerable state where you need to rebuild, trying to jump back into something like that, not the best idea. Is it impossible? Absolutely not. Impossible is still nothing. But would I recommend that you coming back being a little, a little fragile or, you know, a bit more delicate than you once were. I wouldn't recommend trying to jump back into it, being a man or woman on an island of your own, wanting to jump back into or actually jumping back into all of this stuff by yourself and on your own. So make sure that when you're adding things back into your routine regimen, make sure that you are also adding in support for your nervous system. Now, what does that mean? I want you to make sure you're adding in additional breaks, even in places where you don't think you need them. And I mean a real break. I mean a get up from your desk, stop working, stop doing everything for everyone else, and actually take a walk, change your scenery, get out of the bed and move to the couch. Get off of the couch and weather permitting, weather permitting, go ahead and sit outside. Get a bit of time with the sun. Hopefully, it's not hot as all get out wherever you are. If it is, you know, I know some some places around this time, y'all had them, them 90, some hundred and 120 degree days and whatnot. Maybe just step outside for a sec, grab yourself like 90 seconds of sun and go back in. Don't don't burn yourself up. Don't, you know, UV exposure yourself. But take some time to step outside, get some fresh air. Even if the weather is kind of like, ugh, it's kind of blah. Even if you got to take your umbrella, put on a little jacket, put your hood on, stand outside for a couple minutes just so that you can breathe in that wet, damp air. Change up your scenery, add in some more mental health breaks for yourself. Are you breathing? Are you listening to meditative music? Are you listening to those binarial beats? Are you really taking the time so that you can recenter yourself or at least make sure that you aren't ignoring feelings that you need to process, making sure that you aren't just burying them, those feelings for the sake of, oh well, I just need to, I need to do my thing. I need to make sure that I keep going. Make sure that you're setting aside that time so that you can feel your feelings. Just because it's been a while, that doesn't mean that the feelings go away. That doesn't mean that things don't still need to be dealt with. That doesn't mean that you don't still need to tune in to where everybody can't go convo and make that appointment with your licensed clinician. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't take time to go ahead and schedule a break so that you can phone a friend or actually go outside with a friend. Enjoy a meal, go to happy hour. It don't even have to be fancy. So that way, you ain't even got to get dressed to make sure that you are supporting your nervous system. Y'all can even go out to a fast food place so that you can keep on your joggers, your slides, and a t-shirt as long as you're spending that social time with people who love and care about you, people who are able to support you, and that you are making sure that throughout the day you're taking breaks in time to care for yourself so that you can continue to rebuild and repair. Make sure that you aren't neglecting yourself because you're focused so much on I gotta get my momentum back, I gotta get my motivation back, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta, you gotta chill sometimes. That's what you gotta do. Okay. Next, make sure that you are counting no small wins. Don't forget that. Sometimes those small wins is something as simple as we are still counting it. If you woke up, got out the bed, drank some water, took your bath, or showered. Those are your four, four wins, four small wins already. The reason why we're still counting those small wins is so that you can use those small wins to continue to build your confidence. You are a new version of yourself, which requires a new routine. It requires some new tasks, maybe even some new resources or new things, maybe some new tangible things around you. It may require some new classes. Maybe you can't keep up with your fitness on your own. Maybe it does require you to add on a personal trainer or some fitness classes so that you can make sure that when you're starting back out, you're starting out to three times a week with some built-in accountability. All of those small wins, we're using those so that we can boost our own confidence to build that motivation back. You know, I said you'll feel better one sand grain at a time. Sometimes you build that motivation back one sand grain at a time. Maybe we can build that motivation back one sugar cube at a time. Even though I don't know who still used cube sugar, but I know y'all had to do that science experiment in the third grade. But I digress. So make sure that those small wins you aren't forgetting them because that's part of what's gonna, you know, start turning that wheel again. Slowly but surely. And it may take a handful of small wins. It may take you a couple hundred small wins for you to be like, you know what? I'm starting to feel it again. Let me, you know, make a little, a little slight side shuffle. And I'm gonna get back into it a little bit and a little bit more. Make sure that you're still counting those small wins. And the other reason why I want you to count the small wins is because it's easy to say that motivation is quote unquote gone just because your motivation isn't at the same level that it was at before. It's easy to disregard your motivation level that you have now and talk about it as if it's no longer good enough because you operated at such a high level before. Just because you operated at that high level before, it's remember I said we humans. We were operating at a high level before, right? But it would be inhuman of you to not have grace with yourself. And also, I would even go and say on the logical side, not use your common sense. That after experiencing loss and grief, especially if it was extreme, for you to have the expectation too soon, and this is what I've considered doing too much, for you to be able to just bounce back and immediately, or when you when you think you're ready, not when you feel like you're ready, just when you think you're ready, that you're gonna come back going full throttle seven days a week with the same motivation that you used to have, and completely ignore everything that I've been talking about for the past two or three months. Completely ignore it like you, like you superhuman. You just gonna ignore the emotional toll, the mental toll, and then also the physical and physiological toll. You just gonna ignore that because you above it, right? Because you so much different than everybody else. Of course, you're different than a lot of other people. That's why you're here. But that doesn't mean that in certain situations, especially considering loss, grief, and the inner fallout after that, that you're gonna be able to just motivational speech your way out of things that take time, take intention, and quite frankly, sometimes take a licensed clinician to help you work through it. People who are professionals in this area, there are gonna be some things that you might have to learn. And sometimes you're learning it during the process. For those of you who are lucky enough to, you've been tuning in and you haven't experienced extreme grief or loss, congrats, eventually it will happen in life. So you're being equipped with some of the things that you will need, or at least know where you can refer back to during that time in your life. It's not a question of if it's just when, because that is a part of life. But we can't expect ourselves to be so superhuman that we operate with no grace and expect for ourselves to just get back to normal as if you lost your favorite pen. Which sometimes that in itself is devastating. I'll just say that for those of us who are writers. But let's not minimize our own grief or loss by and also dishonoring yourself with being intent on getting back that motivation, starting again because of what they're gonna say, because we still don't know who they is. When if we could figure out who they is, I promise you, it would set so many of us free. It would set everybody free if we just knew who they was, and we don't. And probably ain't gonna find out who they is either. But make sure that you are being realistic in what your comeback looks like, being realistic in your rebuilding season, and being realistic with what motivation looks like right now. Stop comparing your motivation right now to the way it was before you're lost. That's not fair to you. And it yeah. Sometimes I can go left real quick. Because remember, I said you're gonna take seven steps forward, but then you're gonna have to take five back. You'll be real pissed if you take seven steps forward and you gotta take nine back because you were doing too much too soon, because you weren't paying attention to the frequency of how often, how many days a week, or how many times you put your routines back in place, and because you weren't paying attention to how many tasks or activities that you were putting back in place. And sometimes you also need to pay attention to the order in which you were putting these things back into your. Routine because remember, I said to make sure to create routines that are supporting your nervous system as you are rebuilding, because you're also rebuilding your motivation itself. So you do need to make sure that sometimes those old routines that you want to, you know, you want to put them back in, you want to reestablish that, some of that stuff gonna have to go on hold. Some of that stuff you're gonna have to implement it a little bit later because you need to build in that rest, that self-care, and you need to put put in those things into your routine. Sometimes you may add two tasks this week. Those two tasks might be making sure that you take your lunch away from your desk so that you can go outside, whether you're listening to calming music or so that you can just breathe and make sure that you eat for lunch and not just sit there at your desk working through lunch. Because I know you took your lunch with you, so that you're not wasting money every day on eating now. I know that. But I want you to be sure that you aren't adding those two things for your self-care and to support your nervous system. And then you're adding on two things that you used to do that you may not be ready for yet. We're looking more at caring for ourselves and making sure that we're able to handle the new things that we're placing on our plate so that we don't tear up all of the work that we are doing to rebuild. And for me, I think that is the the biggest, that is the biggest overarching thing that I want you guys to get. Because what I don't want you to do is to build, build, build. Do you're doing all of this rebuilding on ground that's so shaky that you can't sustain it, or that things end up crumbling or falling, because then that puts you right back to square one with what it feels like or what it seems like in your grief journey in rebounding after your loss and rebuilding after your loss. Just take your time and make sure that you are doing this in the healthiest way that you possibly can with the resources that you have and anything additional that you need. Go ahead and reach out to your network, reach out to your community, the people that's around you. So that you can be sure that pretty much you're not doing all of this stuff for nothing. That's the biggest thing. I just don't want you doing all this for nothing. Because you, I mean, I know I personally, I'd be pissed to do all of this extra work, all of the rebuilding, to end up back with nothing like I started with, because I was doing too much, because I wasn't watching the frequency, because I wasn't watching how many tasks I was adding to the routine, and because I wasn't properly prioritizing, especially during this time in this season. And so again, I will implore you to make sure that you aren't moving forward before you feel fully ready. If you are having trouble with deciding whether or not you're ready to move forward, this is one of those prime places where I would say, even if you haven't previously involved your clinician, do that so that you have someone who is a pro in this area. This is what they have trained for, this is what they are licensed in. This is the like they they are the professional with this, so that they can help you walk through step by step, whether or not it's just that you're nervous to start moving forward before you're fully ready, or if it's that, no, you're not ready to fully like, you are not fully ready right now to move forward. Are you so used to achieving things at a high level? Are you so used to being him? Are you so used to being her that you you like, ah, I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway. It might not be time for you to go ahead and do it anyway. And you know that's against everything I be talking about. I'll be like, do it scared. This is a time where I am going to say that as your coach, I am telling you, check with the clinician if you aren't 100% sure that you are ready to move forward. Because I don't want you tearing your mind up any further. I don't want you tearing your emotions up any further, and I don't want you tearing up your body any further. Bump all of the other things around you, all of the relationships around you, all the things around you, the finances, the stuff, all of that is replaceable. But you are not. And if you aren't safely maintaining yourself or safely healing and doing the things that you need to do so that you can rebuild sustainably, all of the rebuilding and this motivation, all of it comes right back to starting with you. And so if you aren't ready to move forward, because remember I said you were in a you're you're delicate right now. It's okay to be, it's okay to be delicate. When we think of delicate, we think, uh, it's weak. Is it a no, no? Because I guarantee you, if you're driving around a Rolls Royce, if you're driving around a Lambo, you want that thing handled delicately. Don't be bumping into my joint, don't just be rubbing, scraping up against my paint job. Handle it delicately. We know diamond scratches everything. That don't mean go tossing my ring across wherever. That don't mean just take the necklace off and you just you just gonna drop my stuff on the floor. We are luxury items. Handle my luxury item delicately. The luxury item is supposed to be you. And so, yeah, right now, you are delicate. So is your your mindset, your mental and emotional state. And I'm only gonna say your physical state because it's easy to see where you're hurting and easy to see where you cut when you can see the blood. The thing that sneaks up on you about physically hurting is when that physical pain comes from mental and emotional trauma, mental and emotional turmoil when it comes from holding in all of those feelings and different things. Because you may think that you've been outrunning it until your body sets you down and tell you otherwise. So make sure that you are fully ready before you start back moving forward. And when you do move forward, don't think you gotta just take off running because that's what you used to do. That may not be the best idea. And if you gotta take off running, I'm I'm telling you to pick and choose which lanes that you about to take off running versus which lanes you can go ahead and you know, demote it a little bit, prioritize it down, put it on the little lower on the list, delegate it. Because we know how amazingly all this stuff gets done when we literally can't, or when we be like, no, I'm good. And folks be figuring it out without us coming to save the day. So, and some of that stuff, go ahead and let it keep falling by the wayside. Because it ain't falling all the way by the wayside for everybody, it's falling by the wayside for you. So that you can focus on you, and so that you don't have to take on that extra thing. So that while your, while your energy is limited, while your resources may be limited, while your time may be limited, you can go ahead and still use that for you. Because if you don't focus on yourself first, so that you can make it to a place of repair, rebuilding, and get that motivation back from the inside out, you aren't gonna be as good of a help to other people as you think you are. Sometimes you may even inadvertently end up getting in the way. And at bare minimum, you could just focus on you so that at least you aren't causing additional problems elsewhere. You may not be saving everybody from their problems, but the other end of that spectrum is do you want to start causing problems elsewhere? I know that's not your MO, because if it was, you wouldn't be here. So make sure that you take that as staying in neutral territory. Sometimes it can feel guilty because, you know, everybody needs and the people, the people, the people. Point at the sign. Y'all on audio, y'all know I'm pointing at the sign. Everybody can't go, including the version of you that used to do everything for everybody else, that you was the cheerleader to motivate everybody around you. But when you're starting again because your motivation is gone, you have to focus on you and do that first so that you can rebuild and return and get back out there, get back to being able to help other people and doing the things that you normally were doing before you experience grief and loss. So remember that you don't you don't need massive energy. You don't have to come back like the Big Bang, and neither does your motivation don't have to come back like the Big Bang either. Just like everything else that we have talked about as far as rebuilding goes, you do also have to rebuild your motivation. It's not gonna magically just snap back on. And naturally, it's not just gonna snap back on. Even if you were taking the hurt feelings or the negative feelings that you have and repurposing them, that is still going to take some time for you to learn ways to be productive and repurposing those feelings. But I would also caution you, because in this delicate time, when you're repurposing those feelings, you think that you're using them for fuel. But is that just a distraction so that you're looking the other way? You push that stuff back and down on the shelf very lightly. Thank you guys for tuning in for another Everybody Can't Go convo. Make sure that you visit everybodyc.com. Get your copy of Everybody Can't Go, the book, Deprecating the Brand, DeBecing This Podcast, that became the movement. Make sure that you order your copy today. And you can also find that on Barnes Noble and Amazon. Just search Everybody Can't Go. Put in my whole name, Stephanie Jessicali. So that you can grab the book. And make sure that you like, comment, subscribe if you think that this episode can help somebody, or if it speaks to something that the homie, the friend, the coworker, the acquaintance is going through. You know what? Even if it's your dusty ex, go ahead and share the show link to them. Let them know to go ahead, take a listen, like, subscribe, and talk with us in the chat. Shoot me a DM. Y'all know where to find me on socials, on YouTube, on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you listen to your podcast. And you can find us on Instagram at everybody can't go combos pod. We always answer the DMs and we always talk to you in the comments. So go ahead and make one. And thank you guys for joining. Love you much. And I'll see you guys next Wednesday.