Small Steps Still Count: Rebuilding Life After Everything Changed Ep 94

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Drop something in the chat if you can hear me. Because I'm not streaming from my regular place to stream from. I see you guys coming in the room, but I'm not sure if you guys can hear me. So drop something in the chat if you can hear me. Or drop something in the chat if you can't hear me. Either way, give me a thumbs up or a thumbs down so that we can get rolling and rocking tonight and get started. Oh, yeah. We laugh. We laugh on the stream at the link that I gave you. Sorry that I am late tonight. Let me see if I can do something else so that I can get the sound more crisp for you. Okay, if I do this, can you hear me now? Does it sound better? Okay. Somebody dropped in the chat that y'all can hear me. Okay. So if y'all can hear me, I'm gonna go ahead and get started so we can go ahead and do our thing for tonight. Appreciate you, appreciate you. Shout out to you. So thank you guys for tuning in, and thank you so much for waiting for me. Thanks for waiting while I was coming in the room and all of the things. Appreciate you, appreciate you. Okay, so now I'm gonna have to like super rapid take y'all through what's going on for tonight. I don't know what was up with the live stream. I don't know what was up with the stream. Um, this was way easier when I ushered you guys into episode one of this six episode series where we've been talking about grief. We have talked about going through the disruption, moving into understanding, rebuilding, and we're at the rebuilding portion now. And eventually that will lead you guys to forward movement. Um, I always tell you, you get to choose. And so the same way that you can choose forward movement, sometimes we choose not to move, but um, there's a a time and a season for all of those things. And even if it's, you know, time for you to move and you choose not to, that is your choice. But I'm gonna make sure that you have everything that you need so that you are able to continue to rebuild and move forward. So, over the last five episodes, we've talked about grief changing your vision, redefining what productivity looks like after loss, uh, what boundaries look like after loss, and what it looks like to become someone new without betraying who you were before your loss occurred, whether that was the loss of a person, a job, a relationship, um, a home, a thing, all of any of the places where grief and loss can touch your life. It's not just in one area. And then we also last week took a deeper dive into how to carry love forward when a person is gone. So for the last episode, we honed in a bit more on what it looks like to lose a person, not just the things, the job, the all those things. So I want to make sure. Oh, and shout out to those of you that tuned into the bonus episodes that we had uh over the past couple of weeks. You may have seen that we had um what grief actually does to your mind and body. We had an actual counselor, a licensed counselor. So you know how I tell you guys that there's a difference between getting with a mental health professional and coming here for a podcast advice and coaching. Here's the disclaimer that I am not a mental health care professional. I just give you awesome advice about the things that I would do and what I've been through. So remember that and do turn uh tune in to that episode with Dana Bill, who is a licensed clinician. And then we also heard from Kimberly Gross, a grief coach and change advocate and transformation leader, uh, talking about leading and living while you're grieving. So tonight we're going to wrap up the series. This is episode six. We're going to go ahead and wrap up the series and dive a little bit into setting the foundation for the next phase that we're going to uh go into in our next season. So those small steps do still count. And we're going to look at what rebuilding life can look like for you, for me, for anybody, after everything that you knew has changed. So when you're rebuilding after a loss of any type, it's not always loud, it's not dramatic. Remember, I told you a few episodes ago, you don't have to make your big loud come back and show back up, pop back up like nothing happened, like you weren't affected, like you're exactly the same person that you were before the loss occurred. And honestly, true rebuilding, it ends up being quiet. It does take intentionality. And it is deeply personal when you make the choice to rebuild and heal simultaneously and not just stuff all those feelings down so that you could just get on with life and you know, continue on and do what it is that you have to do, the things you feel you need to do, and kind of abandon yourself and ignore yourself. And so we're talking about the space in life where healing becomes movement. That's what the rebuilding phase looks like. It's when you actually start putting foot to pavement, pen to paper, actually start making those changes, those things that you saw when you had to rewrite your vision, or you had to take a look at how your vision was going to change or how it has changed because of your loss. We're looking at what it looks like to have boots on the ground and actually get that movement as we close out this series. Because I can't take you through all the things without, you know, leaving you on a high note and making sure that once I release you guys back into the wild, as I do every week, that you can go out equipped with what your next steps can be so that you're able to head in a positive direction. It's uh real easy for us to just, you know, fall off the wagon and go wherever. And we don't always know where that's gonna lead us. So let's try our best to head in that positive direction. So um, shout out to all of you guys for making it to episode six of six of this series. Shout out to those of you who tuned in for the bonus episodes. And I just want to acknowledge you guys' journey and just I know that this series has been, it's been heavy. It has. The journey itself has been heavy. Whether you've been tuning into this series in real time or whether you're accessing it on the replay at the time that you need it in your life. This journey is not a light one, it's not an easy one. And the the impacts and the ripple effect that it has on you, it will last a lifetime. The place where we get to choose is how we deal with that ripple effect and what it will mean for us moving forward as we continue to grieve and grow. So um, this this series is held um talking about loss, talking about identity shifts, talking about the new sets of boundaries that are needed there. We've talked about healing. And the, you know, again, shout out to you guys for staying present through each of the sessions and um being able to work through it. I know, you know, there may have been points where you had to pause, take a walk away, have a good cry, get your tissues. It's it's been that type of journey. And because I've been there, am there, and I'm still working through it, I'm like, look, I know I'm not the only one. So why not be a wealth of knowledge and share what I know to help those of you who are still, you know, going through it just the same as I am. So um, once you've made it through something heavy, even if you don't feel ready, you are still allowed to begin life again. Now remember, that don't mean take a crash course, deep dive right back into what you were doing before the loss. That is not what I'm saying. But you can give your self permission to start to breathe again and to, you know, dip your baby toe and start to get into what life will look like moving forward and getting back to you as much as you can during this season. It is okay. Rebuilding ends up feeling hard because there is it, it is a big lift. There's a lot of emotional fatigue that is associated with it. Um, resistance is a normal feeling. Um, it's easy to get stuck and and you know, kind of just want to stay there. I mean, at one point that's where I was. I'm like, just let me lay here and and and be comatose. Let me just just let me lay here. Because that's all I had at the time. It's exhausting when you are a survivor after after loss. It's exhausting. And we've talked about how that emotional exhaustion, the mental exhaustion, it does affect your physical body and it becomes physical exhaustion as well. Because your brain is still working, your heart is still working, your nervous system is still working. So even when you are just sitting there, you are just sitting there, but your body is fast at work. So, yes, it is exhausting. Make sure that you will have a choice but to honor that. And we talked about that boundary that needs to be set, the the people that are surrounding you and supporting you during that time, that they also have to honor that. That's a part of why rebuilding feels so hard when you're jumping back into the swing of things because you aren't jumping back in the same, you aren't jumping back in at the same energy level. Sometimes it feels scary moving forward. You know, I gotta raise my hand. Because what does that look like? What is it gonna feel like? What does that mean for me emotionally? What does that mean for me mentally? What if I think I'm ready to jump back into it and then I hit another brick wall? And then what? What am I supposed to do then? What if this? What if that? What if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if? Rebuilding can also feel hard because we're worried about the pressure, the external pressure. Remember that external pressure that I told y'all a couple episodes ago? Just let it go. Don't worry about it because you have to worry about you that pressure to just be okay. When you know that you're not okay, you may not even know whether or not you'll ever be okay. There's a reality of still healing where you don't have to take on or take ownership of the pressure to just be okay. Because that leads you right down that path of stuff and those feelings down again, and that's not where we want to end up, that's not where we want to be. And doing that actually prolongs how long it does take you to heal and to be able to function and also to rebuild and rebuild something sustainable. We don't want to build a house of sticks or a house of um, I forgot what the three little pigs built the houses out of. I know some bought some sticks, some bought some bricks, and something in between. But the point is when you're rebuilding, we need that foundation to be strong. And that foundation isn't going to be strong if you are rebuilding upon just stuffing your feelings down for the sake of being okay or pretending to be okay when you're really not. So rebuilding, it is hard. It is because you're not just building a life, you're not just rewriting your vision and building that vision. You're building a life without and you're rebuilding without what you lost, without who you lost. It changes the outlook of everything. And so now you have to think about all of these different variables, all of these different controls that it wasn't a part of your plan in the first place. And it's not always that easy to work those things into the plan either. So make sure that you let go of that big comeback narrative. You don't have to come out exploding. Um, release any of those unrealistic expectations and make sure that again, you're honoring your capacity for how much energy you have mentally, how much energy you have emotionally, and how much energy you have physically and sometimes financially as well. When you are rebuilding and looking at the comeback, don't have to be big. It can literally just be you showing back up and you're coming back. You are re-entering society. And I know some of y'all are gonna be like, oh, the irony, but don't feel the social pressure to turn your pain into purpose quickly. Now, I know you guys are like, wait a minute, not just get and I get it. However, when something happens, you don't need to wake up the next day and say that I'm gonna turn this into purpose right now. Because remember, you need to take that time so that you can take care of you. And even with moving into that space, that doesn't mean that once I'm done talking to you guys, that I don't have to take some time, take a breather, and get that time to and for myself. Just because I'm able to hold it together for a complete podcast episode doesn't mean that I'm able to hold it together 24-7 or during all my waking hours of every day. That's not the reality. I share with you guys about an hour, a snippet of 168 hours that I have to live through each week. It's okay to not be okay. And frankly, you know, I'm not gonna get up here and tell y'all, I'm not gonna get up here and lie to you. Remember, I said that there's 168 hours a week that I have to live. You guys get to see me live or see me on the podcast for one of those hours. I'm still not okay every hour of the day, every day. I still have to take a moment of pause. So don't feel pressured to come back big, don't feel pressured to come back too fast, don't feel pressured to even look for the purpose in what what that pain has taught you and what you're going through, any of those things. And really, when you're looking for that drastic transformation, it can actually feel inauthentic. Not just to you, but to anybody on the receiving end. There have been many times where y'all know I'm good for telling you, I don't know. I haven't got there yet. I can only take you as far as I have been so far. That's it. And when thinking about, well, what could I, what wisdom could I impart on you guys? What what ways would I be able to help? The answer showed up right in real life. When people had to tap me on the shoulder, people had to send me a text or give me a call, FaceTime me, and say, hey, what am I supposed to do? Well, sis, this is what I know. So I'm sure at some point in another couple of months, in another year, in another two years, we'll be back and we'll be talking about this again at another level and for another set of information that I have yet to learn because I'm not there yet. So just like it may be fresh for you, or maybe you were one of the folks that you decided to just bury it and mash it down so that you could get on with life. Hopefully, some of these things are helping you to be able to work through it day by day, week by week, step by step. And in all honesty, it's it's kind of keeping me accountable to have to come back and talk with you guys, to have to respond when people are DMing me about the episodes. It's keeping me accountable to make sure that I am on a daily and weekly basis that I'm tapping back into the same things that I'm like, okay, guys, this is what will help. Because it does. I mean, there are some days that I'll be like, shut up, Jesse. I don't want to hear that. So I know that y'all having the same thing. I know that sometimes y'all are like, I don't want to hear that because I don't feel like being positive. And that's okay. That is quite all right. And how am I able to tell you? Because I was there too. I just chose to not stay there the whole time like permanently. I chose to not stay there for a long time. Sometimes I stay there for a couple hours, sometimes I stay there for a day or two. But when I was ready to come back, I also didn't try to make a dramatic transformation. I look, you're gonna get what you get on this pod. You're gonna get what you hear, or you're gonna get what you see when you get here. I mean, look, on Wednesdays, we wear pink. We wear pink today, okay? And make sure that um to counteract that feeling of having to have that dramatic transformation, which again, y'all see, I don't have no dramatic transformation. Good day. Give yourself permission to rebuild quietly. It doesn't have to be public, it doesn't have to be out loud. That was not your permission slip to isolate in an unhealthy way. I'm watching y'all. But you can give yourself permission to rebuild quietly. You may have been a social butterfly, you may have been used to being out and doing all the things. It's okay for you to um, you know, take that, take that quiet time and to continue to turn over in your mind, like, okay, when I am ready to go back outside, what is that gonna look like for me? It may be vastly different than the way that you left outside when you went in. And your healing, it doesn't need an audience. Ironic, I know, but I'm talking about all of those back end parts that you guys haven't seen. The lessons that I had to live through to be able to give you guys a highlight reel. You don't need an audience to be able to heal because other people don't get to tell you how much healing you have done, and whether or not you're doing it on the right timetable, whether or not you need to make that comeback, which you don't. And sometimes an audience may not be helpful to you. Sometimes you do need to have that time in private, but again, make sure that while you were having that time in private, as you are healing, make sure to not isolate yourself and leave yourself on an island. Make sure that you are linking up with a grief, a grief coach. Make sure that you are linking up with a like clinically licensed grief counselor or therapist. Make sure that you are linking up with people who support you. It may be at smaller intervals, but you don't have to feel the pressure to be out on stage in front of everybody and all over socials when you're just not up to it yet, when you're not ready. And your progress doesn't have to be impressive. Impressive to who? Honestly, it's impressive that you even have your phone in your hand or you streaming on the TV and you cleaning, you chilling, you're doing whatever. Just press and play. That's impressive. Because you woke up this morning and made a decision to. To do something. Even if your decision to do something was to wake up and later during this season, that's impressive. You don't have to create an amazing highlight reel of what your healing looks like and what your grieving process looks like for what other people to be impressed that your healing's so well. What do you feel like on the inside? So, really, what the focus is, is a sustainable life, is sustainable healing, is a safe grieving process. So don't knock any of your small steps because all your small steps, those are real progress. We were talking about don't worry about being impressive because impressive to who? Any small steps that you make. I think I talked about this a couple episodes ago, where I was like, look, as long as you wake up, wash your body, and eat. That's that's enough. And I'll even let you slide if you want to do a little fasting. We'll we'll say you're fasting. Just drink a little water, drink a little wine, or maybe just the water. But those small steps, those small things that we can easily take for granted when when everything's all good. Yeah, you wake up, take a shower. And when I say go take your shower, I'm thinking, you know, brush your teeth, wash your face, do all the things so that you can get ready to go outside. You put on your makeup, you do your beard, put in your little oils, you can get the brush. You might line yourself up. You're gonna, you know, lay your edges, do all the things, make sure that you face moisturized, hair moisturized, skin moisturized, and glowing dewy. Make sure that we layering up the scents. We're gonna put our outfit together. We're not just gonna put on clothes, we're gonna make sure that we style our outfit. Get the accessories, make sure that the shoes is all the way on point. Yes. And then we got to pick the perfect playlist so that we can go get our bucky bucks and be on the way to work and all the things. How easily do we take all of that for granted with having, even if it's quiet, with having a wonderful morning? Being able to wake up and pray in peace, not in tears. Being able to wake up and do Bible study with yourself and not just be sitting there with a Bible in your hand, angry at God for what you've lost and for who you're grieving. All of that stuff, we can take it for granted on a day-to-day basis because we're so used to doing it. So during this time, those small steps, you woke up, and if that's all you could do, that is enough. All of the small steps, those are progress. And you have to redefine what moving forward looks like and what rebuilding looks like because you aren't able to move the same. We have to start counting the small steps because that's where you're going to end up restarting from. So that we can stay motivated and so we can see how far we've come, even though we may have a long road ahead of us. That's fine too. Micro progress is still progress, is still a little bit in the right direction. That means that you're getting through the day with just a little bit more ease. Remember, I said, even if it's only a sand grain, easier. That sand grain, once you get enough of them, you get an hourglass. Once you get enough of them, you got a whole beach. But it takes one grain of sand at a time. You're starting to re-engage in life in new ways or in small ways. No, you're not returning to going a happy hour four out of five days with your coworkers and meeting up with your friends and going out to party on the weekend, Sunday brunch, and then make sure that you hit up the family for dinner after. Re-engaging with life in small ways. You might feel up to meeting up with a couple of your friends. It don't have to be outside. Maybe have a nice night in. Maybe have a little bit of quiet time. Maybe you'll just have a couple people over so you guys can choose a movie and eat some popcorn. Maybe you're gonna split a bottle of coconut water and sit there and talk. Or some wine. It's okay for you to feel those small moments of peace without feeling guilty. Because you will, at some point, you will be happy again. And I mean, happiness in general, yes, it's fleeting. But that doesn't mean that because you are grieving, because you have experienced loss, that you won't be able to feel happy again or return to some of the things that used to bring you joy. Those things can still bring you joy. That was just put on pause for a little bit. But as you start to rebuild, you can get re-acclimated with some of those things and ease back into it a little bit at a time. And you don't have to add everything back all at once either. You can just, you know, you might add one thing and you just gonna have add back that one thing for an entire month. You don't have to focus on adding one thing per day, one thing per week. Measure your growth by capacity. How much space do you have emotionally? How much space do you have mentally? How much space do you have physically to start reacclimating these um these small things and small ways to re-engage with what your what your life is, what it will become, what rebuilding will look like. We have to take our focus away from looking at the output because again, we have to be fair to ourselves, and we have to be fair and honor what season that we're currently in. And so where you may have been a high achiever before, you may have had like super high output, you may have been a superhero. Right now, it's not superhero time. Right now is not maximum output time because right now you don't have maximum capacity. A lot of your capacity has been taken. So as you start to gain momentum, and as you start to re uh retake control of your capacity, as you start to regain your capacity, that's what we're measuring by. How much how much energy do you have to get things done, not how much you actually do. This is one of those times where this is a season where the to-do list is going to be longer than how much energy you have left. Because remember, grieving is exhausting, loss is exhausting. So measure by capacity, do not measure by output at this point. We are gonna get back to measuring by output, but right now is it's not the time. Right now isn't the time. So um just think about it for a bit and think about what small step have you reacclimated yourself with, or what new small step have you implemented that you've been overlooking because you just like, ah, I I got to. Ah, that ain't nothing. Take a look at how many times over the past few weeks have you shortchanged yourself, and you just straight up didn't look at the small steps that you were taking. Take some time with you to look at and honor yourself for the small steps that you've been taking and the small steps that you may have overlooked because you were just like, uh it's part of what I gotta do. It's no big deal. Right now, yeah, it is a big deal. Remember, something as small as, quote unquote, as small as waking up is still a big deal. Your small steps are significant, no matter how tiny, down to that grain of sand. These small steps are foundational to what you are rebuilding. These small steps are foundational to your healing, and these small steps are going to be a part of what helps you to continue to move forward. So, I mean, if it's if it's something that's continuing to propel you forward, that's getting you to whatever your next level looks like, sometimes that next level, it's just a micro step up. It's not not a quantum leap by far, but it also may not be a regular step. We might be looking at a lot of micro steps so that you can get to your next level. As long as the progress has not completely stopped and stayed there for a prolonged period of time, those small steps, those micro wins, that's good enough. And that's what we're gonna keep working away at, keep chipping away at those micro wins. And those small things, that's a part of rebuilding intentionally, so that you can create that new life that fits the new version of you that you have become. Now, just because you didn't set out to intentionally become this new you, that doesn't mean that there's not a new version of yourself who has emerged from this tragedy, who has emerged from this loss, who has emerged from this grief. There are some things in life that once they happen, it can't be undone. And it does change you. You don't get a choice in that. But what you do get to choose is how you will rebuild and how you will allow that tragedy, that loss, that grief to shape you. It looks like accepting that your life is going to look different now. And even though we might not be okay with it, it makes it just a little bit easier to deal with just accepting that life is going to look different. Because rejecting it looks like fighting a losing battle. Why fight a losing battle when we're already hurting? There's a set of expectations that they're old now. We have to release them, we have to let them go. We have to let go of some of the timelines that we had in mind. We have to let go of some of the identities that we that we held before, some of the ideas. Remember, sometimes it has an effect on your vision or what you thought your vision was going to look like when you get to a certain point. When you're creating your new life, when we're looking at that capacity, that's so that we're able to measure the current energy that we have, the amount of energy that we have, it looks like what new boundaries do we have to continuously create? Because that set of boundaries that you made a couple of weeks ago, when you listen to the episode, we might need some new ones. Again, because this could be a slow process or it could be a rapid process. Because even if the process is moving slow, I can guarantee you that at some point in your mind, things are moving rapidly because so many things have changed. And that includes those new boundaries that you need to set so that you can have your time to heal, so that you can honor what your new capacity is. Something as simple as setting the boundary that you can't show up the way that you used to because you literally don't have the capacity. You don't have the energy right now. That doesn't mean that you won't resume it. That doesn't mean that you won't get the energy back eventually. But right now, don't push yourself beyond what you have in terms of capacity, whether that be mental, emotional, physical, financial, any in any of those areas, any of those categories. Really, I can say faith-wise as well. You may be exhausted in your faith during this season. Put your mask on first, pray for you first. You can look for deeper clarity in what does a life that fits you now, what does it really look like? That's another one of those things that, yeah, I can tell you with a straight face to do it. When it was my turn, I like it. I still don't like it. It was a tearful journey, it was a hurtful journey and still is. But what that life that fits you now and moving forward, what is it gonna look like? And it's okay if right now it's too painful for you to look forward. Let yourself continue to heal in that area. And you don't have to rush to get to your rebuilding phase. Just because we've walked through this over the course of a uh a month and a half, we've been walking through this for six weeks. The journey is not just six weeks, the journey is years long, the journey is months long. You don't just listen to these six episodes back to back, listen to the bonus episodes and say, you know what, got an eight hours worth of healing. I'm great now. Listen to it in an entire weekend. Nope, it don't, it don't come that fast. It don't, it's not how it works. I so wish it did. I so wish it did, but that's not how it works. So when you're looking at what the life looks like that fits you right now, it's also okay to accept that what it looks like right now while you are healing, that life that fits you now is something that can change in the next couple of months, in the next year, the next couple of years, as you continue to heal, as you continue to rebuild, and as you continue to move forward. So give yourself permission to just move forward gently. Make sure that you are finding peace, whatever that may look like for you, as you are closing your season of grieving. And while the grief never truly goes away, because it doesn't just go away, you're able to work at growing and living around it so that we're not really looking at making the grief and the loss smaller, we're looking at growing our lives bigger to live around it. And so it doesn't have to cut as deep, it doesn't have to negatively affect us as much or in as acute of a manner. Um but just one day at a time, one grain of sand at a time, honoring where we're at, knowing that we don't have to stay here exactly, but we can continue to grow. And so remember that you aren't behind. That's not how quickly this happens in real life. You're not starting from zero, you're just starting from a different playing field. You're starting with a hand that you didn't necessarily pull from the deck, it was just dealt to you. You have to figure out what to do with it. And you are allowed to rebuild slowly, you are allowed to rebuild differently than what you previously thought things would be, as far as who you are, as far as what your vision looks like, as far as the life that you thought you were going to live. And you get to choose what your rebuilding looks like, even when you don't get to choose who goes with you. So thank you guys so much for coming on this journey with me and letting me say my thoughts and the things that I have learned. I really hope that it um, I hope this reaches the right people. If you've heard anything that you think could help somebody else, make sure to forward them the episode. Tell them come on over here, subscribe. Even if they own and want to come through for a visit on the playlist so that they can just listen to this series, make sure that they get the info that they need. And of course, you can always find additional tools and resources at everybodyc.com, head on over to the site so that you can see all the things, all the things that are available to you. And we're going to continue moving forward, no matter how fast or slow. And we're going to continue rebuilding at any stage in our upcoming episodes. So since we have walked through this series up until this point, I'm not just gonna release you guys to the wild and say, hey, go rebuild. Just go, just go do it. We're actually gonna chunk the things down and walk through it, walk through it step by step with um things that you can do to help rebuild at uh at any stage and at multiple stages. So I don't want to just kick you guys out to the wild and say, okay, that's enough. Figure it out, fill in the blanks on your own. Um because grief is is cyclical, like it it comes back around, it comes in waves, and sometimes you you got to take a few steps backwards so that you can take some more steps forward so that you can continue an overall forward movement. You can continue your overall growth. So don't hesitate to run these episodes back. Don't hesitate to listen to it with a friend or someone who is close to you, who can relate to you in this season. Don't be afraid to hit rewind when you need to. Um, that person that you have that's your support buddy. Don't be afraid to, you know, turn turn the episode back so that you guys can listen together. They may be able to pick up some things that they're able to support you better during the time where you need someone the most. So remember that you don't have to rebuild everything today. Just take one little step. And remember that every single one of those small steps, no matter how small, no matter how tiny, even if it's micro, all of those little steps, those little shuffles, all of them count. And eventually, once you add all of that up, it is going to carry you forward, push you forward, propel you forward. So just take a deep breath and keep moving day by day. Even if it's just a little bit of a lean. And I will see you guys next week for another Everybody Can't Go combo.