Grief Changes Your Vision: Begin Finding Your Way After Loss 1 of 6 Ep 87

What do you do when grief changes everything—including how you see your life?

In this episode of Everybody Can’t Go Convos, we’re opening a powerful grief and loss series by exploring what it really means to move forward after life no longer looks the way you planned. When loss shifts your identity, your priorities, and your vision, it can feel like you’ve lost your way.

But maybe you’re not lost… maybe you’re learning how to see differently.

This conversation creates space for the in-between—the place where you’re no longer who you were, but not yet sure who you’re becoming. If you’re navigating grief, loss, or a major life shift, this episode will meet you with honesty, clarity, and permission to move forward at your own pace.

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In This Episode:
How grief changes your perspective, not just your circumstances
Letting go of old timelines and expectations
Why you don’t need clarity to begin again
Holding space for both grief and growth
Taking small steps toward a new version of your life

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

So good evening to everyone. Happy Wednesday. And welcome to another Everybody Can't Go Convo. Tonight we are going to dive into episode one of a series on grief loss and continued growth. Just because things happen, just because we lose people, just because we go through months of grief and family upheaval, that's real life. And it's not a lapse in discipline. May have been wondering where I've been, what's been going on. But we just gonna get straight into it and get down to uh some of the things that I've been learning. Y'all know I don't hurt for free. So because there has to be a purpose greater than my pain, I decided to take a look at what ways have I been being prepared and being molded, being stretched, being all the things so that I would be able to help other people, impart wisdom on other people. And um, you know, you got to go through your go-through first before you can do anything for anybody else. So just a couple of things as I move from the season in life where it is the what is it, second anniversary of the loss of one of the best friends I've ever had in the world. From now leading all the way up until Mother's Day, we'll be talking about grief and how to find your way after, how to continue to grow as you go through it. So not only are you going through it, you're growing through it still, even though it may feel like you're stuck. And y'all know that while I'm talking to you, I'm talking to me too. It is um definitely been quite a quite a journey. Uh just a couple episodes ago, I talked to you guys about writing through your trauma and lost. And y'all know I don't I don't advise you to do anything that either I haven't already done myself or that I haven't tested out. So uh this is uh yet another step in that process of writing through my own grief. I became acclimated with the idea and the concept about a year ago, and have continued to be prepared for the next season and the next time that I had to experience this. And so today we're opening up the series with talking about how grief changes your vision so that you can begin finding your way after loss. So I have a few points for you guys today, just five, but I promise I'm I'm not gonna make it take forever. Okay. So let's just get straight into it with some of the things that uh I've noticed and some of the things that I've outlined. So uh when you're looking at your vision, you know, I always tell you guys, make sure that you write your vision, write it with your hands, make sure that you like don't just type it. Actually, get a pen and write it with your hands so that you can make it plain. And grief doesn't just take your vision, it transforms how you see everything. It transforms your vision, it makes it different in a certain way. So loss doesn't just remove someone or something, or the idea of something or uh a life that you thought you'd have, a person that you thought you've had that you'd have around for longer, or you know, you might have just felt like they would be here forever until the end. Um grief shifts your perspective on life, on priorities, and on what truly matters to you. It does make you reevaluate and look at things differently. And so your values and tolerance, they do change after you experience loss. Whether that's the loss of a person, the loss of a thing or material things, the loss of a job, or the loss of a relationship, your values and your tolerance become changed and molded by that loss that you've experienced. So things that used to feel urgent, things that you used to think were super important, things that it may have meant the world to you before. You may find that it doesn't matter as much as it once did. You may find that it just doesn't feel important. You may start to feel that some things that it was, it was, oh my goodness, it was super like urgent at the time. You may find that it's no longer as urgent or as important as you'd previously felt, as you previously thought, as you previously intended. So uh that's a normal feeling to have. And that's also important to realize because that sense of urgency that you may have had about getting to your goals, about chasing your dreams, about doing anything, it could come to a complete stop, like full stop. And it's completely normal for you to feel like you literally just got smacked in the face, punched in the face, that wind has been knocked out of you receiving the news of loss, especially when you're talking about a person, someone very close to you, someone who you care for deeply. And it's it's disorienting sometimes when you are trying to figure out what it looks like to see life through a new lens. When you're trying to look at your vision through a new lens. Now, taking you all the way back to the very beginning of things, looking at your vision with a new lens and how it has changed because of your loss, that's not where you're gonna start. It's definitely not step one. It's just one step of many different things that is going to change as you become acclimated with your new normal, as you start to wrap your head, wrap your mind, wrap your heart around what things are going to look like in the future. And all of the things that end up changing as a result of your loss, that in itself is part of what's disorienting. Because it is like one minute, you got a plan, you got your vision written out, you know what you're doing, you know where you're going, you know who's gonna be there. And then all of a sudden, sometimes just like that, you get the call that changes everything. Not that changes everything about your goal list, or not just the thing that changes everything about what you're gonna do tomorrow. You get the call that changes everything for the rest of your entire life. When that type of news comes through to you, you're not broken. Your mind is broken, your dreams, your goals, everything that you previously built, all of that could be broken, but you aren't broken beyond repair. And I know it hurts really bad and it super, super sucks. Believe me, I I absolutely know. But over time, you will come to find that you begin to see more clearly with each day that goes by, each week, each month that goes by. While you are working through your grief, you'll be able to see things with more clarity. You'll be able to rebuild piece by piece, little by little. But this isn't a process or a thing that it happens in a day, in a week, in a month. Doesn't happen in one podcast, which is why I'm walking you guys through over a series of weeks. Because this, and I guarantee you, this thing still, it takes more than weeks. But just wanting to provide you guys with a an outlet, a a place to to come visit, and some things to refer back to. It's to uh, you know, if you haven't been in this place yet, it's not a matter of if it's just when. And so if you've been lucky enough to not experience it yet, here you go. You'll know ahead of time where you can come, what you can listen to, and some of the things that you can do, and some things to expect when going through the unexpected. So the vision that you had, it may no longer fit after loss. And that in itself is okay. Like that's okay. Sometimes the vision that you have for your life, the vision that you have for your family, the vision that you have for your goals, it involves people and the person that you are or are working on becoming. And that person, you, does change. You do evolve, you do become someone else. Sometimes you become a person that you don't even recognize in the midst of going through your grief. It's not necessarily like ripping the mask off, it's like somebody just putting a black plastic bag over your head, not even a paper bag, because you can still get some semblance of air with a paper bag. But when you're looking at what it looks like for grief to change you, it's like something is is just pulled over you that for what you got to stop and think about, okay, well, how am I going to escape this? And even in the midst of thinking about, well, how am I going to escape this? Sometimes even that is a moot point. Because you have to let yourself feel the feelings. So, like the grief itself, it disrupts your plans, it disrupts your goals, it disrupts your timelines, all of these things that you once held on to, like super tight, things that you held close to you, it all of that stuff, all of a sudden. Again, one phone call changes all of that. And for a period of time, that that doesn't even matter because your survival in that moment is what matters. And that moment isn't a quick one. It ends up being a series of time, a season in your life where you are struggling against a feeling of like suffocation, a feeling of not feeling like you're you. You can't think, you can't breathe, you can't, you just can't do nothing. And you know, we don't say can't around here, but that is how debilitating grief is in some instances. Whether it's sudden or whether it onsets slowly, it still can be debilitating to the point where there is a disruption or a complete fumble of all of the things that you once held tightly and all the stuff that you were previously able to keep on lock. So things that you can do while you're experiencing that disruption, just let go of who you thought that you would be in the midst of loss, in the midst of grieving. Just let go of who you thought you would be by now. Of all the things that you thought you would have done, the things that you thought you would have gotten accomplished, the things that you thought that you guys would do together. All of that stuff, you have to release it so that you can make space in your head and your heart for yourself and for healing. So that you'll be able to make it through. You got to release the pressure to return to the plan. Because whatever the plan was before those plans, but for right now, just let the plan sit because when it's time to get back to the plan, the plan is going to have to be revised anyway. You're going to have to make some tweaks to that plan based upon who you're becoming, based upon the losses that you need to work around, based upon sometimes the things, the resources, and the people that may not be there anymore. So you don't have to return to that plan as soon as possible, as soon as you can. That's not the point right now. The point is preserving you and making sure that you are able to make it through so that you can even get back to the plan for you to revise it so that you can continue to make that thing happen in your life. So don't put that undue pressure on yourself so that you can just hurry up and get back to it because people are waiting for you, people are expecting you, people need you. Right now, you need you. And it's the time for other people to be there for you and for you to allow them to do that. But just make sure that you aren't putting undue pressure on yourself to try to bounce back and snap back into it as if you were just having an off day or as if you just had a lazy weekend, because this ain't that. So let's not attempt to treat it that way. Where you can just get straight back to it. When it is time to get back to it, you can just go ahead and accept it right now that the future may need to be rewritten. So just like I said, set that plan aside because it's gonna need revisions anyway. Be okay with that. The plan can still be the plan, but the plan is going to need those tweaks. And so that you're able to embrace the thought, embrace the the facts that your plan and your future may need to be rewritten. Just know that outgrowing your old vision is not failure. That's you being honest with yourself. That's you not completely abandoning everything that you've worked for so far and not completely abandoning everything that you planned. Even perhaps with the person that you lost, y'all had all of these great plans. It's okay to put that plan down and let it sit while you sit with your grief, sit with the loss, and sit with the feeling of what it feels like to be there without them. And just let it be on the shelf until you're ready to pick it back up, until you're ready to rewrite it, until you're ready to make some redirections, and until you're ready to get back to that thing, to pick that plan back up, to start back working on your goals. But don't rush it. Because when you're just rushing it, and that's what you're you're like, yes, I'm gonna use this for my escape. My friend, tread very lightly with doing that, to make sure that you don't venture down a path and down a spiral where you're just doing just to be doing. Because you will have to work through the grief and you will have to grow through it regardless. You could put yourself in a position where you're doing a lot of things, but those things aren't necessarily helping you in the long run. And you may be continuing to build in a direction that you needed to take a complete pause and make a hard lift based upon what's going on in your life. So you also don't have to have all of this figured out so that you can move forward. When you are prepared and when you're ready to pick that plan back up and to start reworking it, when you're ready to pick that plan back up and pick your vision back up and begin to redefine it, rewrite some of those areas. You don't have to figure out everything up front all at one time. You aren't going to have one sit, and then you can put together all 10,000 pieces. And if you were able to do that, I'm I'm fairly sure that you would end up in the Guinness Book of World Records. You really would. You really would. And if only handling grief, loss, emotions, being a human, if only it were that easy, that in just one sitting, you could go ahead and figure out everything moving forward. But it's it's not doable. It's just, it's not. Remember, when we're talking about setting those goals, we talk about setting smart goals. Putting together 10,000 pieces all in one sitting, that's not attainable. It's not it's not a goal that you should go after. It's not something that that don't even sit down and try to plan that for yourself. It's going to take time, it's going to take phases, and it's okay that you don't have it all figured out. All of your clarity doesn't come at once. And being clear on what everything looks like moving forward, that's not actually what you need to move on. And that's just not how it works. It's one step at a time, little by little. You can begin again when you're ready, and you can begin again slowly. You don't have to dive head first into it. I'm not gonna rah-rah you through this one. Y'all know, y'all know me, and I love some positivity. But you also know that the extreme execution coach at me knows when to dial it down a little bit. Knows when the flight attendant doesn't need to be at all 99, and my pilot don't need to be at all 99 of me or 98. Turn it down a bit. So the overall for sustained success, starting slow and starting with those small pieces, that's where you can begin. And when you're taking those small steps, you're beginning those small steps without your full plan. You don't need the full plan yet. And even the steps in your new plan and the tweaks that you have to make to your vision as you continue moving forward in your life, some of those things will ebb and flow, they will evolve and do something different as you're becoming the new you, as you're learning life after loss, and as you are still figuring things out, they have to do with the loss itself, that have to do with your grief process, that have to do with all the people and things around you that you have to change how you deal with, that you have to change and accept what's your new level of tolerance, that those new boundaries. All of these things that will be reshaped and remolded, you have to be able to be comfortable with being, I mean, you're already uncomfortable. Loss is very uncomfortable. It's painful, even. And when I say painful, even, I mean physically painful. Because the emotions and the mental state can run so deep that it causes you and ails you physically. So go ahead and trust the uncertainty. Trust yourself in that uncertainty. Because it's all you can do. Once you're done being paralyzed, everything moving forward, it's going to be uncertain at first. And that's why we're taking the steps small. That's why we're not just diving straight into it. That's why we're not coming back to it on 10. We're not going 0 to 100 when we return. Let's just do zero to two. We're not even going to do zero to 10. To make sure that as we dial it back up and as we start going in the new direction, we're allowing that to unfold over time and we aren't rushing it. Because rushing it can lead you to burnout. It can lead you to doing some things, saying some things, doing some things that you can't undo, saying some things that you can't take back, and destroying other things in your path when your life is already somewhat of a wreck because of what you lost. When you get to that point, your life is already tow up enough in certain ways. You don't have to go destroying other things, trying to force it to be better because it's not, it's not gonna be better, not like that. And when I tell you it's painfully slow, not even, not even ironically so. It's literally painfully slow. Even for my GCs and my ATCs out there. But even for you all, it is going to be a painfully slow process. And that is okay. So you can move forward, and I want you to be empowered with moving forward without having the full picture when you start to move. When you're ready, just start with the first step. No matter how big or how small, I would suggest small, but you don't have to have everything figured out. It's going to unfold as you go, and you're going to continue redefining and recalibrating as you go. Which brings me to my fourth point that grief and growth can coexist. Now, depending on what stage you're at right now, because I remember when I was first starting out, I said bump all of that. Sometimes it's a quiet tension, but for me, the tension, it started out really, really loud between missing what was and who I'm becoming. Who I'm becoming now. And even when I didn't move, the world is still moving around me. So I had to learn to hold space for both my pain and possibility. It felt weird. And sometimes it still feels weird. It still feels off. It feels wrong. It feels like I'm leaning more toward the painful side. When looking at what does life look like without the person or thing that I thought I'd have longer or that I thought would be here forever. Holding space for the pain and holding space for the possibility is a lane that you're going to move in for a while, especially as you are redefining your vision and rewriting your plan. Because of all of the changes that you will have to take into account as you are learning how to move again, as you're accepting that you can't move at the fast pace that you used to. And if you're forcing it, uh, you might be tearing up some other stuff along the way. And it's okay to let yourself take pauses, even while you're starting back your momentum, even while you're starting to move slowly but surely. When you are allowing yourself to go through that season where you're moving between that pain and possibility, it's kind of like being in a valley. You know, I said the pain on one side, possibility on another side. You're kind of like you're you're moving through on the in-between. You have to let yourself experience the moments of peace when possibility can now be overwhelming for you. The pain can also be overwhelming for you. But there will be small moments of peace and rest that I want you to allow yourself to feel those moments and those times without feeling guilty about it. Eventually, your heart is going to be so exhausted, you won't be able to do anything but just sit in nothingness. Eventually, your mind is going to be so exhausted that you can't do anything but just sit in the silence. Those moments of nothingness, take those as your moments of peace. And those moments of peace that either your mental, emotional, and physical force your body and your mind into, or whether you intentionally take those moments of peace for yourself because you know that you absolutely have to. And even those moments of peace that you get them because you're like, no, I'm taking this. Not only do I need it, or you might not need it, you might just say, bump it. I want this moment of peace. Take those moments of peace without guilt. Because you have to have those on the in-between so that you're able to recharge your battery, even if that battery is only getting charged back to five or 10% right now. That's okay. And you need just that little bit so that you can make it to tonight, so that you can make it to tomorrow, so that you can make it to take your shower, so that you can make it to grab you a bottle of water, so that you can make it to have a meal, so that you can make it to open the door when somebody comes to tend to you, when somebody comes to care for you, when somebody is coming to help take care of you, when you may not be able to do it for yourself or by yourself. Go ahead and allow that space. And also accept that allowing yourself that space, allowing yourself that peace, that is not erasing any love that you have or had for the person. And the reason why I say have, because even though they're gone, you still have that same love for them. And understand that this, the peace that you find in those moments while you're healing, that doesn't erase the loss either. It is possible for you to have those moments of peace while you're in that valley between pain and possibility. And don't feel guilty for that. It's just what you need so that you can make it to your next moment, so that you can continue to be here, so that you're able to grieve and honor your feelings, but also so that you are making sure that your mind, heart, and physical body are still being prepped even through your grief, so that you can continue to grow when the time comes. And even that in itself, is you still growing, just perhaps not in the way that you set out intentionally before grief was dropped on you. So remember that you are still allowed to grow even while you're grieving. But while you're doing that, make sure that you are letting go of any guilt or continuing your forward movement, any little bit of momentum that you're having, don't feel guilty about that because it is very much needed and it cycles back into the process of you grieving. Because even if you choose to sit there, stay there, and don't move for however long, the world and everybody in it is going to keep moving around you. And when you're ready to jump back in, don't dive head first, do it slow. And please believe you ain't even gotta worry about catching up. Don't try to catch back up to where you would have been. Don't worry about the where you would have been or where you thought you was gonna be when you do resume after that pause, no matter how short or how long. Take all the time that you need. Not how much time other people feel like you need to have, deserve to have. Dip your baby toe in just a little bit. If those are folks that you know that they care about you, and you know that those folks are your wise counsel, you can lean and listen, think it over, process it, and then decide how to move forward. So, for my final point for today, finding your way again, it's a process. It's not just one moment, like I told you guys at the beginning. We're walking through a series because there were specific markers over the past few months that I'm like, oh, okay. There were specific moments in time and losses dropped on top of my own loss that I'm like, oh, okay. Different downloads, divine downloads that I'm like, oh, I thought I wasn't ready, but for this one day, I gotta jump into the game. For this afternoon, I have to, because I'm prepared for it. In the preparation, I ain't like it. I didn't. But one of the things that you will be able to take from your grieving process is that what you are going through now is preparing you to be the person that someone else needs when they are going through it. Take that as some sort of consolation, not to make you feel good about what it is that you're going through, but just so that you know that what you're going through, there is a purpose for it. And the purpose that it's for, it's not for you. Using that for you to be purposeful and for you to be a blessing to somebody else or to help the next person, whether or not you choose to use the pain to do that, and you use the purpose of it, that's up to you. That's where you get to choose. You don't get to choose that this thing happened to you. You don't get to choose whether or not you lost this person, whether or not you lost this thing. But you do get to choose what you do with the process that you went through, and or what you choose to do with the process that you're going through. So, in that, there's there's not like a singular thing, which is why this is more than one episode. There's not just one single breakthrough that fixes everything, it's just it's not again. The grieving process is cyclical. There's so many different ways that you can experience it. There are a multitude of ways that you can feel about it. And as far as the you get to choose portion of it, there's a myriad of ways that you can choose to work through your pain, what to do with your pain, and choosing to grow through it. You get to choose your pace. But there isn't just a single thing that you're able to do to quell all of the pain, to get through it immediately, or just fix all of it. There is no catch-all, there is no fix-all. The breakthrough is in a series of small intentional steps. And some of those small intentional steps are going to last for the rest of your life. Because there are some losses that are going to affect the rest of your life. So make sure that you explore some of the different areas of redefining what progress looks like after loss. Because progress can't be measured the same after the loss as before. Remember, you're not moving 100 miles an hour anymore. You might not even be moving at all right now. You have to redefine what progress looks like, at least for a season, because that is going to change. You can't hold yourself to the old standard of output because right now, for you, it's impossible. And this is coming from the person that I've been KG all day since he said it, impossible is nothing. The plan can still happen, the vision can still be built. That is what's possible. The how to get there is what you have to accept. Changing, redefining after your loss has occurred. Make sure that you let go of the urgency to rush things, let go of the urgency to just feel better. Again, it's a process. This isn't fixed in a moment. This is fixed moment to moment. Make sure that you accept living in that. I just call it one drip at a time. Just like a leaky faucet, sometimes you get a constant drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip. If you adjust the handle a little bit, that drip, drip sometimes turns into drip. That feel better is going to come one small bit at a time. As awesome as it would be to just turn on the false to feel good, it don't work like that. I would love if it did. I'm sure you would love if it did. But accepting that you're not going to feel better urgently and you don't have to. Just know that that's okay and let go of that expectation of yourself. And if it's anybody in your midst that is rushing you or that wants you to have the urgency of feeling better, I'm pointing at the sign, y'all. If you were on audio, I am pointing at the sign. This season is one of the most important as you are working through grief, especially if it's severe. Especially if it's been a severe loss, a severe blow to you. Everybody can't go during this season. They might be able to come back later. But you have to build you and you have to redo, restructure this whole thing for your life after loss. Somebody being in your face, being extra right now, mm-mm. Put them on pause. That's a hard boundary you're going to have to set right there. And make sure that you trust the path that you will rebuild over time. Remember that I said you aren't going to jump straight back into it with like the full plan. You're just going to rework, restructure the entire plan, and then take back off to the races. And trust that your path will be rebuilt over time. And as you are taking those small steps, making those small adjustments, each place that you have to redefine something, take the time to feel the feels that have to do with redefining what it's going to look like. During rebuilding all of those different tweaks, it's going to keep coming up. Let it come up. Address it when it springs up. You don't have to address everything all at once. And I encourage you not to try to because you won't be able to. That's part of the shaping and the molding of becoming the new version of you after your loss. You're learning how to see your vision differently. You're learning how to achieve it differently. And you're learning how to embrace the pivot and redefine while you are making your new life. Everything doesn't have to be a complete overhaul to a whole new life, but there are some things that are going to have to change. And even if you go with it kicking and screaming, this time I'll allow it. Because sometimes that's exactly how it feels when you're moving forward your loss in your life. Whether that loss is a person that was near and dear to you, someone who was close to you, whether it was the loss of a relationship, a situation in your life, whether it was an experience that feels like it took a piece of you. You can still get back to it. You can still find your way. You can still grow during your grief process. But you don't find your way all at once. Step by step. Small steps do make great distances still. So that you're still able to become who you were supposed to be. Even after you've lost something, someone that has issued you for the long haul. So thank you guys for joining on this live everybody can't go combo. Hope you will join me next week as we move into part two of our brief loss and growth series. Hope to see you guys next Wednesday and see you for some of the surprises that I have planned for you on the in-between. Click the links in the show notes below for additional resources. Hope to see some of you working through grief and trauma at the author activation weekend. This isn't my first loss, and this isn't my first activation weekend. So letting you guys know that it works, and I'm to a space in life where to do it again. So letting you guys know from experience, doing the things that work. Don't have to feel good, but I'm finding the purpose in my pain so that it can help someone else, some of you guys. And we will see you next week for another Everybody Can Go combo.