Redefining Productivity After Loss 2 of 6 Ep 88

Sometimes life doesn’t just slow you down—it forces a pause.

In this episode of Everybody Can’t Go Convos, Jessi Holley continues the grief and loss series with a powerful conversation about what happens when grief changes your vision. After a necessary time away, Jessi shares real insights on navigating loss, recalibrating your life, and learning how to move forward when everything feels different.

If you’ve ever felt like your plans no longer fit your life after loss, this episode will help you understand why—and what to do next.

Because changing your vision after grief isn’t failure… it’s alignment.

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Transcript

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And we laugh. Happy Wednesday and welcome to another Everybody Can't Go Convo. I am your host, Jesse Holly. And this week or today, this episode, we are going to continue building upon what I talked about on the last episode. And essentially, you know what? At this point, I'm going to just take y'all through a whole grief series with the things that I've learned and am learning and some of the outcomes so that you can get tools you'll be able to use. So on the last episode, I talked about when you are experiencing grief loss and when life forces you to pause. I know you guys have been missing me for a couple months, and that was a much needed pause, and it was actually required. It wasn't a uh a choice. I could have tried to make it not a choice, but like I say, you get to choose, and sometimes you have to make the decision to choose to not be out here looking crazy. Okay. So I made a couple of points talking about who knows how to hold you in your season of loss, in your season of grief, how grief changes you as a person. And it can be used as a tool to help evolve you if you allow it, but that's not a process that you can rush. It's not like you just gonna decide that that's what you're gonna do with your pain. And now all of a sudden you okay. I wish I could tell you that, but y'all know I don't lie to you, and that's not the way it works. So yeah, it's still gonna suck. And then also going into talking about discernment for your next chapter. So I'm going to continue over the next few weeks building upon some of those uh concepts with different ways to work through the challenges, the feelings, and the way that your life changes when you're experiencing guilt, loss, and any of the other emotions that come with that, any of the other mental blocks that come with that, any of the other life changes that come with that, if we're being quite frank and completely honest. And so today my topic is talking about grief changing your vision, but that is not a failure. And I touched on this a little bit a few days ago, talking about how your vision will need to be redefined, and there will be some things within your vision that will need to be, hmm, how can I say it? They'll need to be rewritten, but in terms of making a slight edit to what the words look like that you have on the page. There may be a little change here or there, but not a a not a ton of things. But if you gotta go in a completely different direction, that is okay too. So you'll look at letting go of old timelines, redefine productivity during your time of loss, and releasing the guilt for needing to recalibrate. So, starting off, when you're looking at letting go of old timelines without that self-betrayal, the grief does disrupt the previous set of timelines or the timeline that you had planned for yourself initially or before that loss happened. And that disruption is not a lack of discipline. It can shake you a little bit, hopefully, it doesn't cause a disruption of your faith. Um, and I mean if it does, it does. Just be real with yourself. Remember, I I said don't try to fight against it. Feel your feelings. Because making an attempt to try to suppress those feelings, it ain't helping nobody. And like I said, I don't want you out here looking crazy. So your feelings are gonna make you quote unquote look crazy enough. So let your feelings be your feelings. But um, make sure that you take a significant look at how the grief makes your old deadlines unrealistic because you have to take that pause. Again, remember, sometimes that pause is you can decide to let it happen, or I mean, the pause coming either way. So you can decide to let it happen and allow for it, allow the space for it in that moment, or you can fight against it and have that thing sit you down. And I guarantee you it will. But your timelines may become unrealistic because of life circumstances, because of some of the losses that you may end up taking, because of a season or period of grieving. And sometimes the timeline that you had, to be quite frank, it just becomes irrelevant. It really does. Because you can make these plans and make a plan to get things done within a certain amount of time, which I do recommend you do with your goals. But when we're looking at the human element and the human aspect of things, sometimes that timeline will be rendered irrelevant. That doesn't mean to abandon the goals, that doesn't mean to abandon your vision. That just means that, and this is part of the reason why we write it down, because the paper remembers and your mind won't. And you're supposed to be writing the vision so that you can make it plain. The things that you've written down, along with the timelines that you wrote down for how to and when to accomplish those things, both your how and your timeline can change. It's easier to recalibrate and to edit what you've already written, as opposed to you're just gonna keep everything in your head, and now you have additional things on your mental, additional things weighing on your heart, and now you're also trying to figure out how to reroute or how to now do the thing that you had previously planned, but you didn't write those plans. So delegate how enlist help how what is it that you are looking at to make attempts at putting the pieces of your life back together? Sure, you may remember, you might, but grief does a funny thing. While your mind is in a certain type of agony, your brain is gonna forget. It's gonna forget a lot of stuff because it flips your body into survival mode. And so that's what your body is focusing on doing, surviving. And attempting to make sense of the loss that you have gone through and how you will navigate and move forward. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to navigate those around you. You have to be a pillar for other people around you. Just as you need folks around you, sometimes you end up being that person for other people in the midst of your own grief. So don't put the pressure on yourself to get back on track when the track itself, it doesn't even fit anymore. So you say get back on track, getting, I often I always say, and y'all know I will tell on myself in a heartbeat because I'm real with y'all. I say, I'm getting back into the swing of things. And then when I had to think about it, I'm like, mm, no, I'm learning my new normal. What is that gonna look like now? Because things are never gonna be the same. So I have to figure out what things will look like moving forward and do the how-to for the rewriting of the vision that I had previously set out for myself. Figuring out which parts no longer fit, figuring out which parts I need to recalibrate, that I need to reroute, rewrite, and things that I need to relearn and accept to myself. And one of the hard truths of it is we have to accept that the timelines that we previously had, they were built for a version of us that is not here anymore. It was built for a version of us that had not experienced that loss, that had not had to go through a season of grief and figuring out and learning and becoming. So, what you had previously written, there are going to have to be some changes made because of the new person that you became. I talk to you guys all the time about your boundaries needing to be reestablished or sometimes changed with the relationships of those around you based upon your new set of needs. But remember, I also said that you have to have boundaries with yourself too. So you're going to have to recalibrate those boundaries that you have with you as well, in addition to other people, because you have evolved into a different version of yourself. It may not necessarily be somebody that you like right now, but you can do the work to make sure that you continue to grow and become someone who, in this new season, in this new transition, in this new era of your lifetime, you're able to become someone who you're satisfied with. And you know what? Just let me say, right now is not the time for people pleasing. So notice that I say it, become the version of yourself that you desire to become. Don't be trying to make people happy right now. Please don't. Because you got one, like a fourth of a nerve left. We don't have time to let people tap dance upon it. So, releasing the timeline, I don't want you to look at it as quitting. Remember, I talked to you guys a few months back about the power of the pause. This is a different type of pause. Very necessary. Go ahead and take that time. Take that pause. Whether you want to or not, and release the guilt, the shame, the fear, any of those feelings that you have around taking that pause is fine. The people that are for you are for you. And when you're ready to show back up, those people will be there for you and more. And you know what? If people can't be there for you when you're able to show back up, because we're not gonna negate that part of this is sometimes you literally aren't able to show up when you do show back up, and those people who weren't able to be around for you or chose to not be there for you. Take inventory and make sure that you recalibrate who's allowed to be around. Because y'all know everybody can't go. I'll be back in the studio where I can point to the sign, but right now, y'all, y'all see it's a change of pace, a change of surroundings. Things happen. Y'all feel me? So choose honesty over performance. In all honesty. No pun intended. Like, no, seriously. But make sure that you choose honesty over performance so that you can show up authentic and so that you can show up real. Um, I'm not saying that you and honestly, I still don't know how people do it. That don't mean that you gotta show up crying on live. Because I'm if you're crying, how? But that's my personal opinion. I ain't got time. But make sure that you're showing up honest, you're showing up true, you're showing up real. And honor yourself in being able to shoot, not even voice. Sometimes you just gotta cut it off. Just cut it off when you don't have it. You don't have it emotionally, you don't have it mentally, that you just, you just ain't got it. And that is okay. That is completely okay. So you'll uh we always hear the phrase, um, delayed doesn't mean denied. Sometimes a delay means using your discernment. And so don't rush back into things. You may still have a little bit of that residual feeling that, like, oh, I don't know if I'm ready to like jump back in there yet. But I can guarantee you, don't jump back in there after two, three days just because, like, and if it's one of those situations where you have to, remember, I tell y'all all the time, reevaluate what you have to do, including that job. Yeah, I said it. I said it. So my next point that I want you guys to be aware of is redefining what your productivity looks like when your actual job in that moment, the actual work for you to do in that moment is simply just surviving. Wake up, stay on this side in the land of the living, eat, take a shower. That's it. And I know that's even that's a that's quite a list. But if you complete that little list, that's enough for you to do. And if that list is too long, then pick one. Take a shower or eat. Pick one or the other. I was able to commit to just that short list of things, those four things. Wake up, be alive, eat, take a shower. That's it. Now, what did I eat? I'm not gonna say it was the best of the best things, but the step one was making sure to get some water, get some crackers, do something. Don't just bed rot and starve at the same time. Um, you gotta you gotta pick a struggle between those two. You can at least put the snacks by the bed. At least do that. Especially if you don't have people around who are able to bring you those things and to take care of you. So during grief, just the the getting through the day, that is being productive. Don't try to force yourself to think. Don't try to force yourself to operate with an optimized brain. Like, you can't. You can't. You know, I don't use the word can't, but I also be like, let's not argue with science that it's proven, okay? Like, let's not be stupid here. Yeah, I said it. And sometimes with the opinions of others, which is why you should have wise counsel surrounding you, and not just wise counsel, but those who truly care for you and are empathetic during that time or that season in your life. You have to be surrounded by people, or when you are in isolation and going through your go-through. You have to be okay with just existing and that being your productivity of the day. You don't have to produce anything, you don't have to do stuff for people, you don't have to go to the grocery store, you don't have to go get some gas, you don't have to clean the house. You don't gotta do nothing. If you have a pet, maybe let the dog out. But if somebody else can do that, let them do it. Really, even if you have children, if someone else can tend to your children, let them do it. So that you're able to get yourself back together and allow yourself to feel what you can feel until you're at a decent operating capacity. So that for the people that you care about, you're able to show up. Even if you're showing up in a minimal capacity, allow yourself to get back to the level of showing up at minimal. There is a such thing as operating in a place of being so depleted that you are showing up so below capacity that it's not even bare minimum. You literally just there, taking up space, taking up air, and you're not really contributing a darn thing. You're kind of in the way because you need to take care of you and take some time out to recharge. And like in today's society, we actually like hustle culture and grind, grind, grind for everything all the time. It does ignore the emotional capacity element a lot of times. We don't take the time out to think about how much emotional and mental capacity do you have left, and that's on a regular day. We're just talking about on a regular day, how much do you have left? How much patience do you have left? How much time do you have left? All of those intangible resources that I talk about, how much of that do you have left? And this is before you're experiencing loss or grief. In the midst of going through such a storm, you you might be working in the emotional negative capacity-wise, but you're still trying to hustle, hustle, hustle, grind, keep it going. And sometimes that is doing you more harm than good. It might look good from the outside looking in, that you're so brave, you're you're so talented. I can't believe you were able to. But you know, I'm talking to you at that time when nobody else is looking at you. They're not looking at the performative version of you. What is it like when you do finally get to lock the bathroom door and you're there by yourself? What does it look like when you pull back up to the house and you gotta sit in a car for however long before you walk in because them. And we know who they are. This version of them is them in the house or them in that office building. Because you had felt that you had to, or you had to re-acclimate too soon, or because you chose to not take the extra time when it was offered. Because a lot of people will say, Let me know what you need. It might take you a bit of time to respond, but actually think about it because I know you need something. Even if it is, hey, can you clean up in the house so that I can just sit here in silence? I guarantee you, those who truly care for you, they will happily oblige. Because there is absolutely nothing that they can do about your loss itself, but there are things that they can do to contribute to your life, your lifestyle, your well-being, so that you're able to sit with your pain and work through it in a healthy way. And I would say measure your success by presence. Measure your success in this time and during this time. Measure that success by how are you able to interact with those who are there and showing up for you, who are there to care for you. Sometimes you aren't going to be able to sell a, I don't know, a million dollars worth of whatever. Sometimes you just need to be there and show up to family dinner and sit there and be quiet. But your face is there. Somebody can smell your perfume or your cologne as you are seated at the table amongst people who are thinking about you, worried about you, who care for you, and your presence itself is enough. And being surrounded by people who are able to accept that your presence, that's enough. You don't have to do no more than that because it was already struggle enough. Getting out to bed, making sure you have some water, making sure you take your bath. And then let's not talk about the decision fatigue of figuring out what to wear. Throw those joggers or those leggings on and put on the tee and go ahead about your business. As long as it's clean, I even let you go with it wrinkled up. If you didn't steam it after it came out the clean clothes basket, just make sure it's clean. I'm not even gonna say you gotta be all the way presentable. As long as you brush your teeth, you might not even comb your hair. I would encourage you to. Stick to the script for today. But as long as you are present, sometimes that makes all the difference in those around you and also in healing little by little for yourself as well. So make sure that you're honoring your rest, your quiet time, and slower rhythms in the way that you do pretty much everything. Now, that's not for the rest of your life or for the rest of forever, but that's something that you have to think about as you are working your way through. And if you're still standing. And showing up for yourself in small ways, you're not behind. You might not even be delayed. You just on pause for a minute. And in that, you are recalibrating and re-looking at what does it look like when you're choosing to not quit, when you're choosing to rewrite your vision, when you're choosing to edit your goals, when you're choosing how you're going to keep going after the loss that you've experienced. And make sure that you release yourself. I talk to y'all about this all the time. Release the guilt, release the guilt, release the guilt. You don't have to feel guilty for needing to recalibrate. Honestly, if you really think about it, if you ignore recalibration, you kind of just out here, look, you're going after failure, is really what you're doing. Because it's literally impossible for you to just move forward like nothing ever happened. That's not a thing. You can pretend like it is, you can perform like it is, you can fake show up like it is, but I guarantee you the results are going to reflect you showing up in that falsehood. So if you want to put in work based upon what now has become a lie because of your loss, have at it. Be my guest. I'm not about to try to talk you out of it. I will tell you what you need to do instead. And look, Horsey, you are at the water. I can't make you drink a darn thing. But I do want you to let go of that guilty feeling that often shows up for people when we can't meet that old set of expectations. And I will say this with saying this is completely aside from what they, the data we don't even know who them is or they is, when they say that you are supposed to still meet the same set of expectations, and they lack the emotional intelligence to allow for the room for catastrophe for actual emergencies. I'm not talking about the ones that you was just irresponsible, but you're here, so I know that you're not that type of person. And your season of uh loss and the grief process that comes after. And I will also say pay attention to people who still want to hold you to the old set of expectations. Because um they might not have all they screws too tight anyhow, if they're expecting something of you that is bordering on being not inhuman as in being superhuman, but inhuman as in operating like you're inhumane to a certain degree. Like, let's be real. We can be Superman, Superwoman, we can be superhuman. That's cool. But there is nothing in no one who has ever been indestructible, not even in the mythical world, whether it's Marvel Universe, DC, any of the um mythologies from any of the cultures. There is always some type of weakness. When you're operating in loss and grief, it's okay to have that quote-unquote weakness because really that's showing folks that you're a real person and that you actually make sense. Because I'm sorry, as far as I'm concerned, certain things, if you were still doing it, I'd be looking at you sideways because you seem like you could be one of them people that would be just be unaliving folks and all some chucky type stuff. Because why you don't have no emotions, why you ain't got no feelings? What's wrong with you? Mm-mm. And that's yeah, that's not the way we're gonna operate. So make sure that you're not um burying things and making it seem like you one of them chucky type folks where it's like, oh, you know, chill, you ain't got no kind of emotion, what? Because um, nah, that that's wild. That is wild to operate like that. So make sure that when that guilt feeling, is it really you feeling guilty, or is it coming from other people's expectations that they need to curb? Or everybody can't go, is it an internal pressure that you feel for getting all this stuff done, or are you worried about comparison? Like depending on what your loss was, or depending on what it is that you're grieving in your life at current, or when you enter that stage or that season in your life, comparison usually is the last thing that you should be thinking about. But when we're looking at material things and the loss of material possessions or things like homes, cars, um, jewelry, all of the luxury item things. Sometimes that guilt comes from comparison. And it is still okay to grieve the loss of the life that you thought you would have, but comparison isn't helping you in that situation. So when you're looking at and choosing to recalibrate, that is an act of wisdom, not weakness. Where I said that take that, it's a weakness, live in it. That's why I did you the air quotes. So that we could get through this for lack of a better term. That area of challenge for you to choose to recalibrate, that is you being wise. Remember that I said you have to recalibrate so that you can still accomplish the goals and build the vision that you were dreaming of, but it has to be edited first. You don't just give up on your goals and give up on vision because you need that recalibration. You'll find that if not all of what you already have written, a lot of it is still doable. It's just the how that's gonna change. I'm not even gonna say that that why is gonna change. The why that you have may have changed form, but your why is still your why. And your vision may take a little bit longer, or you may have to adjust your timeline. There may be some tweaks that you need to make, a few little edits, but that doesn't mean that you throw the whole thing away and start over from scratch. And then give yourself permission to move differently without explaining anything to anybody. It's already enough of an emotional and a mental toll for you to do all of this with first of all, starting with yourself, and then between you and God, or whatever higher priority you serve, you know, we love Jesus over here. And those around you. You don't have to offer an explanation to any and everybody about why you're choosing new boundaries, why you're moving differently, why some of these changes are required. The point is just get those things done so that you can get and do what's best for you and those closest to you who are deserving of your work. So you don't owe anybody the same pace that you had before your loss. And while you may be able to return to that pace in the near future, it's okay if you can't right now. Take the time that you need so that you can ease back into things in a way that everything doesn't just end up crumbling to the ground, or you're doing a whole lot of work towards something that it's not the same anymore. So you don't went all the way in the wrong direction. So your recalibration isn't failure, you are aligning with your reality. I won't even say with your new reality, I will just say with reality. So grief doesn't mean that you lost your vision, your vision is still there. Your vision is just becoming more honest, and you have to take the time to make those, make those edits to it, and make those edits to how you will get it accomplished. But don't throw it away, it is still there. So thank you guys for joining me on this everybody can't go convo. And we will see you guys next week and maybe on the in between. Bye.